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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jun 2008 at 9:21pm
Coyote V. Acme
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering causes as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts of all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard to violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1 Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2 Sooty discoloration.
3 Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4 Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5 Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We now come to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunciton. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of his chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the woon-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head of forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughtly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues---a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the comsumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directory, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.


Ian Frazier, The New Yorker, February 26, 1990, p. 42--43.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 2:10am
A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this"
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote musicman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 4:39am
The Three-legged Pig


A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, what's with your pig with only 3 legs?
Well preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, I'm working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.
Well that's very commentable says the preacher..but..
That's not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.
I understand says the preacher, but that still doesn't explain the missing leg!
Well like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 9:37pm
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in h*ll and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to h*ll. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in h*ll and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in h*ll."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to h*ll.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2008 at 1:39am
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.  Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to 
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she 
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him (Women can be so cruel to their own young. What she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CatWoman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2008 at 12:39am
An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a
doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor
proudly.

The moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies
the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice
car, all right...But I'll stick with my moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks
himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to
250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph .

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still
alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FaithSF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jun 2008 at 6:43am
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."  The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number.  If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

 DJ:  HEY!  This is Edgar on WBAM.  Do you know "Mate Match"?

 Contestant:  (laughing) Yes I do.

 DJ:  What is your name?  First only please.

 Contestant:  Brian

 DJ: Are you married or what, Brian?

 Brian: Yes.

 DJ:  "Yes"?  Does this mean your are married? or what?  Brian?

 Brian:  (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

 DJ: Thank you, Brian.  OK, now, what is your wife's name?  First only please, Brian.

 Brian: Sara.

 DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

 Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 DJ: Stay with me here Brian!  Is she at work?

 Brian:  (laughing) Yes she is.

 DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

 Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 DJ:  BRIAN!  Stay with me here, man.

 Brian: About eight o'clock this morning.

 DJ: Atta boy.

 Brian:  (laughing sheepishly) Well....

 DJ Number 2: How long did it last?

 Brian: About ten minutes.

 DJ: Wow!  You really want that trip, huh?  No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

 Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

 DJ: OK.  Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

 Brian:  (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

 DJ: This sounds good, Brian......where was it?

Okay, this is kind of long, and definitely X-rated:


Brian: Not that it was all that great. just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

 DJ:  Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

 Brian: On the kitchen table.

 DJ:  "Not that great"?  That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it.  Anyway (to audience), I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

 While you listen to this.

 (Advertisements)

 DJ:  (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)

 Clerk: Kinko's.

 DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

 Clerk: This is she.

 DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM.  I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now

Sara:  (laughing) A couple of hours?

 DJ: Well, a while anyway.  He is also on the line with us.  Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

 Sara:  No

 DJ: Good.

 Brian:   (laughing)

 Sara:  (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

 Brian: (laughing)  Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

 Sara: Oh, Brian.

 DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense.  This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play.  Get it, Sara?  SARA! GET IT?  Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara.....helloooooo......anyone home?!?!

 Sara:  (laughing hard) YES, yes.

 Brian:  (laughing)

 DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

 Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work.

 DJ: What time?

 Sara: About eight I think.

 (sound effect) DING  DING  DING

 DJ: Very good.  Next question: How long did it last?

 Sara:  Twelve, fifteen minutes maybe.

 DJ:  hhmmmmm -Background voice in studio: That's close enough.  I am not out to harm his manhood.

 DJ:  Well, we will give you that one.  Last question:  Where did you do it?

 Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!  You did not tell them, did you?!?!

 Brian: Just tell him, honey.

 DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

 Sara: Well It's just...just that my mom is vacationing with us and..

 DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

 Sara:  BRIAN?!?!

 Brian: NO, no I didn't.

 DJ: Ease up there, sister.  Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

 Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.

 Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida.

 DJ: Let's go, Sara we ain't got all day.  Where did you do it?

 Sara: In the ass.

 (long pause)

 DJ: We will be right back.

 (advertisements)

 DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen.  This is live radio and these things do happen.  Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

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Anyone up for a game of pingpong.
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.....brilliant.Wink
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 3:15am
 I lie awake waiting for you.
 As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,
 I feel this strong urge to grab you and
 squeeze you, because I can't forget last
 night. You came to me  unexpectedly
 during the balmy and calm night, and
 what happened in my bed still  leaves
 a tingling sensation in me.

 You appeared from nowhere and  shamelessly,
 without any reservations,
 you lay on my naked body.
 You sensed my indifference,
 so you applied your hungry mouth to me
 without any guilt or humiliation,
 and you nearly drove me
 crazy while you drained me.
 Finally I went to sleep.

 Today when I woke up, you were  gone.
 I searched for you but to no avail,
 only the sheets bore witness to last  night's events.
 My body still bears faint marks of your
 enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
 Tonight I will remain awake waiting for  you...


 ....you f*ckig  mosquito.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Jul 2008 at 2:40am
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 1:45am
Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I meant what is the foundation of this case?
It's made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom.. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:09pm
The Cowboy....

  A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

  Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

  She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.  He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

  For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town  and kick up your heels.'  The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

  One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around Two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

  She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
  Trembling, he did as she directed.
  'Now take off my boots.'
  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
  'Now take off my socks.'
  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
  'Now take off my skirt.'
  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
  'Now take off my bra.'
  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

  Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jul 2008 at 3:51pm

THERE
ARE

TWO
BASIC TYPES OF YOGA



YOGA
FROM
INDIA


YogaIndia.jpg

AND


YOGA
FROM
ALABAMA

YogaAlabama.jpg


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"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wild Starchild Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 9:16pm
 A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
 
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
 
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
 
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
 
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal Miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
AW DAMN!!!! Wild Shot the friggin TV again!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nautigal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2008 at 6:55am

The Gerbil Incident

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.


Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."


At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


Editorial comments:


Ok, here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:


"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!


"So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.


That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.


Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."


People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.


People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."


"First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy sh*t after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.


People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."


What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?


This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Aug 2008 at 8:32pm
Who's your best friend?

An experiment that will dispel all rumors.......

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you......
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Aug 2008 at 9:39pm
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Aug 2008 at 1:13am
One day a liberal and a conservative were walking through the trees under a bridge
when they saw some rabbit turds.

The liberal asked, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the conservative. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter".

So the liberal ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the conservative, ''you're getting smarter already.''

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote britastar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 3:42am

Today's Ebonic word is "omelette".  Let's use it in a sentence:  "I shoulda slapped the f**k out your azz, but omelette that sh*t slide."

LOL
Hi y'all!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 3:45am
Look who's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clap
 
Omelette everyone know!!!!!!!  LOL
 
 
 
 
 
Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork & spoon.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote britastar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 4:02am

LOL....!!!!!!!  That is great Jimbo...omelette everyone know!!!!  LOOl...for some reason, that was the funniest joke I've heard in a long time. 

 
Aww shucks now....no big TOO-DOO!!!

Embarrassed  nice to know i be missed..........................

 
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