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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Feb 2012 at 5:25pm
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
 
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote insanity213 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Feb 2012 at 7:09pm
LOL

"Reminds me of a funny story my dad used to tell me, Harry.  The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun."
- Stacy Keach (Up in Smoke)

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Feb 2012 at 10:54pm
A tough looking group of bikers was riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"Dead
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2012 at 10:54pm
 At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."?

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"? "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" ?

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Mar 2012 at 2:48am
Ahhhh.... a foreskin joke eh????
 
Here's another....
 
A guy goes into a men's clothing & accessory store & was looking at the wallets.
 
He saw a strange looking pinkish colored one that had a price tag of $250.00 on it.
 
"Why is this strange looking wallet so expensive?" he asked the sales clerk.
 
"Because it's made from the foreskins of circumcised penises." replied the clerk..
 
"Well how does that justify making it cost so much?" asked the customer.
 
"Because if you rub it a couple of times it turns into a suitcase."
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Mar 2012 at 2:52am
23 ADULT TRUTHS:
 
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I beg to differ with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Budweiser than with Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Mar 2012 at 10:39pm
Great idea and healthy too - long as she don't talk too much.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?Cry
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Mar 2012 at 5:10am

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

A Dublin University student named John, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night during a very bad storm.
 
The night was rolling on and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a car came slowly up behind him and stopped.

Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running....

The car started moving slowly. John just sat frozen & stared at the road ahead. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just as the car was approaching a curve, a hand appeared from out of nowhere through the driver's side window. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window and turned the steering wheel, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, he saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran towards it. Wet and out of breath, he burst through the door and began telling everybody in the pub about the eerie experience he just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two more people walked in from the dark and stormy night. Like John, they were soaking wet and out of breath.

Looking up, and seeing the young man sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

"Look Paddy....there's that fecking eejit that got in your car while we were pushin' it!!!!"

 

 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 2012 at 1:11am
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 2012 at 1:56am
Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork & spoon.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 2012 at 9:42pm
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES....... 

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Mar 2012 at 2:01am
We had a "Are you a cat person or a dog person?" thread going in another forum I post in, just a couple of days ago, & of course, somebody posted that ^.
 
Funny.
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Christine Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Mar 2012 at 3:06am
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I'm worried about my wife, doc. I'm afraid she's going deaf. She doesn't respond when I talk to her."
 
Doctor replies, "Okay, what you can do is this: Stand 40 feet away and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, stand 30 feet away and ask again. If she still doesn't reply, go to 20 feet etc."
 
So the man goes home, greets his wife, then walks down to the end of the hall while she's busy in the kitchen. "Honey! What's for dinner?" No response.
 
He walks a little closer. "Honey! What's for dinner?" No response.
 
So he walks a little closer still. "Honey! What's for dinner?" STILL no response.
 
Finally, he walks right up behind her. "HONEY!!! WHAT'S....FOR....DINNER??"
 
"For the tenth time, Murray, we're having CHICKEN!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Mar 2012 at 10:35pm
Told to me by a retired Cleveland police detective:
 
A guy's doctor tells him he has three months to live.
 
So he moved to Cleveland & it seemed like forever.
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Mar 2012 at 9:33pm

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1.

Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.

It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys

2.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'

3.

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4.

Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1.

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4.

Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5.

It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack and at oral sex in a group.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.

When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1.

All the DNA is the same.

2.

There are no dental records

 

 

 


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Mar 2012 at 5:29am
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and
walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months
ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
...
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom
was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able
to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and
wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she
announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified
relief.

The pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had
anything to offer.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is "sternum".
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Apr 2012 at 1:46am
I didn't know there was a video of that.
 
I've gotten it as a text email before.
 
I think I actually posted it in this thread.
 
I'd have liked the video better if it had been her mom telling him about her love of "screwing".
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Apr 2012 at 3:52pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember

the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We

went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the

back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again

and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good

idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their

conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks

to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex

against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no

trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each

other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get

to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then

suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the police-

man has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while

both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned some-

thing about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes

back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to

himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what

their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but

that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex

life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:17pm

        A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch. 

    
     
     It doesn't have any feet or legs. 
    
     
     The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot.?'
    
    The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
    
    I'm a defective parrot.'
    
     
    'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 
    
     
     'You actually understood and answered me. !'
    
     
    'I got every word,' says the parrot. 
     
     
     'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated
bird'
    
    'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 
    
     
     'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any
feet.?' 
    
    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
    
     
     You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
    
     
    'Wow,' says the guy. 
    
     
     'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
     
    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. 
    
     
     I'm especially good at ornithology. 
     
     
     You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
    
     
    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
    
     
     'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
    
    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. 
    
     
     You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
     
    The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
     
    Weeks go by. 
    
     
     The parrot is sensational.
    
    He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal,
he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. 
    
     
     The guy is delighted.
    
    
    One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 
    
     
     'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
     
    'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
    
    'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him
at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
    
    
    'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
    
     
     'THEN what happened?'
     
    'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her
nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
     
    'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
    
     
    'Yes.. 
    
     
     Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees,
and began to kiss her all over.'
     
    Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
    
    DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2012 at 4:44am
Saturday night at the Pub.......

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.

I noticed two very large women by the bar....
 
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them turned & snapped: "WALES you friggin' idiot!!!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two WHALES from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember. Woke up in the hospital the next day.


Women are so difficult to deal with!!!!!!
 
 
Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork & spoon.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 May 2012 at 1:12am
PARAPROSDOKIANS...

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14.. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to sky-dive. You only need a parachute to sky-dive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives ...

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
 
Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork & spoon.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 May 2012 at 6:50pm
(Confusedthis one just HAS to already have been posted, but...what the heck)

Seven Degrees of Blonde

 

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2012 at 10:40pm
STANDARD HOSPITAL PRICING...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved
one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. 
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.' 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' 

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.' 

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?' 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
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