The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it  As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently
breaks wind.  Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing
right behind her.  Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably,
but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident',
she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted
just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price!"

   

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

AND 11: Find Funny People to hang out with, they will help you laugh your A*S*S off, no need for exercise.

  A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
 
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
 
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my Testicles black?'
 
 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
 
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
 
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
 
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
 
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
 

 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner 
with her parents. Since this is such  a big event, the girl announces to her 
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for 
the first time.
  
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
  
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he 
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
  
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
 
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

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FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.


MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the  backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
 
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.
 
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
 
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.  But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
 
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
 
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
 
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
 
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t."

Personalized GPS.

 

http://www.tastelesschoice.com/gps.htm

The man was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes.