The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

It's so hot...

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. 

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying  naked on the grass. 

I thought this was a bit unusual, but  continued on my way to the store. 

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old 
ladies lying naked on the lawn. 

This time my curiosity got the best of me,  so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 

'Do you know there are six ladies lying  naked on your front lawn?' 

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes  and they're having a yard sale. 

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front 
door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist minister appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always 
say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the 
door, knocks and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with 
pious preaching and stupid hats!" says the second. 

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the minister and the rabbi 
when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. 
"Ah, now that is sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must 
have died."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.  "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One more question, sir.  What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs and a big ass who will agree with everything I say."

***WARNING!!! GAY JOKES!!!***

IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY THEM, PLEASE SKIP THIS POST!!!

 

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Did you hear about the three gay burglars?

One ties the victim up, the second does his hair, and the third redecorates the living room!

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AIDS Jokes

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Q: What do you call a gay rock & roll group?
A: Band-AIDS

Q: What do you call a f46607 in a wheelchair?
A: Roll-AIDS

Q: How do you get visual AIDS?
A: From a nasty poke in the eye.

Q: What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have AIDS?
A: Your mother telling you.

 

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

 

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."
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GAY PARROT

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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my phucking perch."

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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. 

As he lay naked on his side on the table, the nurse began the examination. 

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man. 

"No, but I have," replied the nurse. 

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco ..

I've gone to the same medical group for almost 36 years.  I've seen only two doctors regularly in that time.

I've only had two digital exams...both were done by the third doctor in the group that I've only seen twice.  Once was for back pain and the other was for a broken coccyx.

Don't look forward to see him.

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few 
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need some tail."

 

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

 

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

 

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your friggin bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

  

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.