Another year, another Live Superbowl Ad Update

And here I shall be, wacthing the ads
and writing humorous remarks on them.

You may donate to Commercials I Hate if you wish
by clicking the button below.

Enjoy!

Your friend,

Nathan Alexander
nathan @ commercialsihate.com
editor, webmaster

World Baseball Classic

I always thought it was ridiculous that an event called the World Series
has only included teams from two countries.

What about all that baseball they play in Japan and Latin America?

So now we have the World Baseball Classic.
Where players from Venezuela can actually play for Venezuela.

But what exactly makes it a Classic?
If this is the very first one, how can it be classic?

Budweiser - Designated Driver

What happened to Cedric?

Nationwide Insurance

A group of women on the beach are startled by an airplane
flying a benner that says "Anna, will you marry me?"

The girls are so excited! They stand up and cheer....

Um, I don't see any man there.

Aren't you supposed to be there when you propose?

Hummer H3

"This one's just right"

Goldilocks steals the Hummer from the Baby Bear.

The commercial is fairly accurate, except
Hummers are usually driven by jackasses, not bears.

Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza

Here she is folks, fresh from her front-page divorce,
Jessica Simpson!

I promise if you make a habit of eating things like this pizza with 28 cheese filled bites of fried dough,
you will never get a girl that looks like Jessica Simpson.

see it at Google Video

Running Scared

Um, what the hell year is this movie supposed to take place in?

I see 60's clothes, 70's clothes, 50's guns, 90's cars.
This is fucking stupid.

Another in a long line of movies advertised during the Superbowl that turned out to be total crap.

Last year: XXX State of the Union, Constantine,
Be Cool, War of the Worlds, and Sahara.

This year: more crap.

MasterCard PayPass

Uh, yeah, neat commercial.

But, have you ever seen a MasterCard PayPass thingy? Ever?

At the movies? Please.
Like they're gonna put the candy out on the counter
where you can grab it yourself and swipe your card to pay.
The concession line at the movies is the slowest line there is.
They can't even get popcorn in a bucket in fewer than six minutes.

You won't ever see this PayPass thingy there.

AT&T

SBC and AT&T are one company now.

Great. Now maybe they'll change their name to Voluvazz
or some other completely made up word.

Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme

Since they've already aired this ad 4 times
I'm already pissed.

This dork holds up a Taco Bell giant flour-wrapped cheese-and-horse-meat monstrosity and says
"I like classics made modern."

This thing is supposed to be portable?
That sucker would fall apart in two bites.
I bet when they made the commercial they had to glue it shut.

Wow, everyone is so amazed by this suave emo dude with his nasty taco thing.

I'm not.

see it at Google video

Nationwide Insurance

"Life comes at you fast"

A man pushes his little son on a rope swing,
and suddenly the son is a big fat teenager! Yikes!

Better save your money folks!

Your little boy could eat you out of house and home!

Radio Shack

I started writing this while the ad was still airing.
I could tell how stupid it was in 2 seconds.

Hey, buddy, it's your carpool! Two guys and a girl!

Anyone who drives knows that nobody carpools to work,
especially with three other people!

Have you ever taken a look at the carpool lane? Empty!

Pizza Hut - Miss Piggy

After running the Jessica simpson ad 18 times,
Pizza Hut cleverly runs an identical ad with Miss Piggy instead.
You really can't go wrong with the Muppets.

Then you see Jessica Simpson and Miss Piggy together.
Jessica says "I thought I was the pop star."
Miss Piggy says "You wish!"

The truth, served by a muppet pig.

Land Rover

I guess if you're in abig ol' hurry to get to the beach
in Tokyo during rush hour, a Range Rover will serve you well.

Vault Energy Drink

Yes, good for you, Coca-Cola.

Put Surge ina new bottle and we'll buy it again.

In this ad, a farmer building a scarecrow
is inspired by a voice emanating from his Vault soda
to build a killer robot that vaporizes birds, rodents, and hippies.

The man drinks Vault and hears voices that make him homicidal???
Good marekting plan, Coke. Oh yeah.

Full Throttle

A guy is waxing his car, and a truck drives past him,
and he jumps into the car and starts it.

And that's it.

I don't get it.

I can only assume there will be more ads that will clear this up.

Lay's Potato Chips

A deep soulful voice illuminates the sexiness of a roast beef sandwich
in all its rare bovine lusciousness.

What could this sandwich be missing? Lay's potato chips of course.

Isaac Hayes unites the two foods and calls them "soulmates".

Uh yeah, okay.

Visa

NFL Players (in uniform) argue about what they get to do in the Visa Commercial.

Is it me or do they all look EXACTLY alike?
I thought for a second that it was all the same player!

And I'm sure they love being portrayed as dumb-asses.

Full Throttle

I knew it. There's more. But not much more.

I still don't get it.

Aleve

Man on the street discovers his arthritis pain is... gone!

He tap-dances in the streets, does hopscotch, dances with old ladies,
turns cartwheels, and...

gives the entire bottle to a stranger.

What did he think, the pain relief was forever?

Full Throttle - Let Your Man Out

My lord.

The Full Throttle truck drives through a neighborhood
and men everywhere drop their responsibilites...
and follow the truck.

Because following a beverage truck always gets you free beverages.

They folow in cars, on bikes, in helicopters, on dune buggies,
tearing up lawns, plowing through fences...

shooting clowns out of cannons.

Carrying sharks.

Yeah... I'm not really getting that either.

Bud Light

Bud Light hidden in an office turns people into raving lunatics.

Isn't it... against about every company's policy to drink beer on the job?

If you sold beer, why would you advertise it in an office setting?

see it at Google video

Burger King - Whopperettes

Whoa. Okay.
Slightly more diverse than the Rockettes with worse voices.

I like the part where they build the burger. That's funny.

Sierra Mist

Michael Ian Black can't get through airport security
with Kathy Griffin wielding the wand! Uh oh! Hilarity ensues.

It's funny enough. It's no flaming horse fart.

Bud Light

A guy installs a revolving wall to conceal his fridge full of Bud Light...

to hide it from his friends who are coming over to watch the game.

Why would have a refrigerator FULL of beer... only to hide it from your friends?

see it at Google Video

16 Blocks

Bruce Willis as a cop!

My goodness, what will they think of next?

Toyota - Hybrid Camry

A latino father and son take a drive in the new Hybrid Camry.
The boy asks, "Why did you get a hybrid?"

The father says "For your future."
It's better for the environment yadda yadda yadda.

The father explains in English and Spanish
that the car uses both electricity and gasoline.

El niño says, "Why did you learn English?"
And papa says "For your future."

I'm not sure how Latinos will react to Toyota saying
the future is brighter with English instead of Spanish!

Toyota Hybrid Synergy Drive: for a future without pollution or Spanish.

FedEx

Okay, it made me laugh. I laugh sometimes.

Bud Light

3 dumb Bud Light commercials down, 7 to go.

So far, no man in a Bud Light commercial today
has been portayed in any positive way.

Insult me, that will make me want your beer.

see it at Google video

V for Vendetta

Written and produced by the Wachowski Brothers.

Natalie Portman.

I'm there.

see this trailer at Google Video

Diet Pepsi - Brown and Bubbly

So, Diet Pepsi is suddenly a hip-hop musician because... it's brown?

Sounds like racism to me, Pepsi. Get ready for nasty letters!

see it at Google video

Aleve

Leonard Nimoy can't do the "Live long and prosper" vulcan hand
because he has arthritis. Awww.

But thanks to Aleve, a packed house of young nerds and nerdettes
can experience a momentary thrill.

Cute. Yawn.

Ameriquest

The company behind the two funniest ads of last year's Superbowl
come through again with this one.

A doctor swats a fly with the defribulator paddles and says,
"Well, that killed him" just as the patient's family walks in.

Very funny.

Bud Light

Well, the men are smart in this one, but they're lazy.

The one guy who's not lazy in the ad... is dumb.

Hmph.

Diet Pepsi

I must be seriously out of touch because I'm not getting it.

A can of Diet Pepsi is supposed to be an action movie star..
and that's supposed to be funny?

Ha, ha, ha. Look at the way it sits there. Oh what a riot.

Cars

Last year, the anim,ated film advertised during the Superbowl was "Robots".

Did you see the movie?

I didn't think so.

This one couldn't help but be better.

Budweiser Clydesdales

Continuing the previous Superbowl ad theme
of the Budweiser Clydesdales playing football,
this is the first of these ads to actually make me laugh.

A freshly sheared sheep runs onto the field, shaking its tail.
A farmer says "Streaker."

Yes, very funny naked sheep.

see it at Google video

ESPN Mobile

Yeah. That's what I want. A guy walking across the street reading sports scores on his cellphone screen.

That's the way to really go to sports heaven.

Careerbuilder.com

Celebrating office monkeys are momentarily interrupted
as the one human in the office tells them their chart is upside-down,

"Guys, sales aren't up. They're down."

I laughed at the monkey lighting a cioar witha burning dollar bill.

Cadillac Escalade

Um. Looks like an Escalade.

Mission Impossible 3

At least, that's what I assume,
since it never actually said Mission Impossible 3.

Looks cool.
Directed by J.J. Abrams of Alias and Lost.

Dove Self-Esteem Fund

Dove, the champioons of real beauty for real women
(their models range from size 6 to 12,
while the average American woman wears a size 14)

have created a "self-esteem fund".

How do you buy self-esteem?

Shaggy Dog

Adding a sports-themed voice-over to an old preview
doesn't make it a Superbowl ad.

Sorry, Disney.

Ford Escape Hybrid

Like I said, can't go wrong with the Muppets.

Although they do seem to get 200% more visible during the Superbowl.

Hmmm....

Michelob Ultra Amber

Blonde says "I'm wiiiiide open, guys".

Yeah, you are.

Then the men jump on top of her.

Hey, that's a beer commercial for ya.

see it at Google Video

GoDaddy.com

These guys are sitting at a conference table.
They're saying,
"Now, another network won't have us."
"Last year's ad did it. We told them. GoDaddy.com. It's number one."

This already makes no sense to me.
They are trying to make a big stink about
how ABC rejected their oh-so-racy ad and they had to make a tamer one.
Personally, I never heard one report,
saw one article or heard anything about this at all.

And last year's ad? I barely remember it.
Please, GoDaddy.com, get over yourselves, we do not care.

The next part of the ad shows a booblesome girl
in a conference room alone with an old man.
He is supposed to be, I'm guessing, a network executive.

I'm also guessing network executives have weird Euro accents.
This part of the ad makes no sense either.

The ad is so entirely self-referential and vague
that you would have to work at GoDaddy.com to get the joke.

Poseidon

Again?
Am I crazy, or did they remake The Poseidon Adventure last year ??
With Steve Gutenberg!!

This time it's directed by Wolfgang Petersen
of Das Boot (The Boat) and The Perfect Storm.
This guy must unquestionably be the master of directing a movie on a boat.

Anyway since I did NOT see Steve Gutenberg in the preview
I can be fairly certian this wil be a better movie.

Gilette Fusion

Gillette, last year's clear winner for the most prepsterous ad of the Superbowl,
may win again for this "rvolutionary" ad for a 5-blade razor.

Just what we all need, a 5 blade razor.

Notice how, whenever a man shaves in a commercial,
a gorgeous woman nuzzles and caresses his face.

Give me a break.

Overstock.com

The wierdly seductive O lady is back
but not long enough to keep anyone's attention.

Disney World

Is it me, or has it been the 50th anniversary of Disney World for like 3 years?

Sprint

Snarky humorous comments

see it at Google Video

NFL Network

Awwwwww.

United Airlines

It's time to fly.

Did this ad make sense to anyone out there?

A plane ticket from United turns you into an anmited knight,
and you can ride the backs of giant flying swans,
and slay dragons?

Network Ads

Repeats

Ameriquest

Funny again!

Motorola Pebl

Yee haw, it's a phone.

Sharpie Retractable

Simple fun humorous commercial.

Nothing extravagant.

Certainly not like the Full Throttle ad.

Budweiser Clydesdales

Yawn.

fall asleep at Google Video

Nationwide

Fabio ages right before our eyes - just like real life!

Hummer - Monsters

A giant monster and a giant robot stomp around,
destroying streets and buildings and generally being anuisance.

They meet, fall in love, and spawn a Hummer.
The tagline is, "It's a little monster."

Big-ass eyesore nuisance moving road-obstacle is more like it.

Crush everything in your path, with a Hummer.

Or how about this: Hummer. Because Courtesy Doesn't Matter.

PS Cleaner

You could wear a hazardous-materials suit everywhere...

or you could just use PS cleaning products.

If you don't, germs will eat you.

Careerbuilder.com

Hey! She works with a bunch of jackasses.

I wonder if they drive Hummers.

Taco Bell

Taking an old commercial and adding slow-motion
does not make a Superbowl commercial.

The World's Fastest Indian

I thought for sure it was a movie about Chuck Yeager.

Anthony Hopkins? An Indian?

If you say so.

Toyota Tacoma

A simulated "webcam"
(why do they never make technology look like the real thing?)
shows a Tacoma bashed around by the surf
before being deposited right back on the beach.

Meanwhile its owner has presumably been rafting in the same choppy water.
I'd say any water than can toss a truck around could probably rip you in half.

Sprint

Definitely the funniest commercial I've seen today.

I love the "Do not attempt" in the corner of the screen.

see my favorite commercial at Google Video

Acura TL

Why is everyone in a car commercial the RICHEST person in America?

Look at that house! The Lexus commercials are the same way. It's ridiculous.

Degree Deodorant

A fun commercial full of neato stunts.

Wow, that was a lot to look at!
My favorite was the motorcycle crashing through the window to deliver a package.
The doorman shows him a sign: "No Helmets."

Doesn't really make Degree a good deodorant, but hey, it was fun to look at.

Emerald Nuts

Eagle-eyed Machete Enthusiasts Recognize A Little Druid Networking Under The Stairs.

oooookay.

Budweiser

Neat.

see it at Google Video

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Yes. this should be good. For a sequel.

Did Johnny Depp say anything at all in this preview?

Is that a bad sign?

MasterCard: MacGuyver

Awesome. Very funny.

ESPN Mobile

I watch world's Strongest Man every year.

And I don't think it would make compelling viewing on a phone.

Honda Ridgeline

That mudflap chick is pretty hot for a piece of chrome.

Here's to Beer

Yes, people all over the world drink beer.

Wow... foreign people are so... foreign.

So... when you're done here, check out this herestobeer.com.

There's a BEER institute?

Actually I think I went there.

Outback Steakhouse

Hey, it's a colorful Australian guy at Outback.

As if a real Australian would be caught dead there.

Westin Hotels

They definitely spent all the money on buying the ad space.

This ad, consisting of a computer generated color swirl,
looks like someone did it for them for free.

Thanks for staying with me through a 7.5 hour Live Superbowl Update!

If this was your first visit to Commercials I Hate,
I hope you'll stick around and read the rest of the site.

I look forward to reading your comments in the Forum!

Take care,

Nathan Alexander