Hard at work

I'll be sitting here until the end of the game,
digitizing the ads and posting my reviews.

I have a cooler with lunch meat and potato salad.
I have cheese curls and a box of Wheaties.

I'm bringing the funny.

To donate to Commercials I Hate, visit the store here.
Thanks,

Nathan Alexander
nathan @ commercialsihate.com
editor, webmaster

Subway New Hot Fresh Toasted Subs

New spots for Subway's toasted subs
put the subs in wintry situations
to demonstrate how hot they are.

This guy is ice fishing, and his Subway toasted sub is so hot
that he takes off all his clothes. Hot in herrr.

I'm gonna say that if your Subway toasted sub
is really that hot - I mean, when you get it "to go"
and you drive out to the lake and set up your ice fishing gear,
cut your hole, drop your line, then you eat your sandwich,
and the thing is still that hot... it's a lawsuit with bacon on it.

Hot bubbly cheese from that thing could eat right through your skull.
NG, baby. No Good.

Heineken

A delivery guy drops a case of Heineken,
and as the bottles break,
men everywhere suddenly feel a chilling sadness.

THIS is a funny and extremely well-done ad.
Awesome awesome awesome.

Verizon Wireless

Can you shoot me now?

Thanks.

Tostitos

Uh, they aired this ad during last-year's kickoff show.

And I reviewed it then.

Dammit.

Fox - 24 Announcer

Maybe I just have a thing about this.

I laugh my ass off when anyone does the gruff serious announcer voice.

It's funny to me.

Ford Trucks - Road House

Whoa, Ford Trucks are tuff.
And they make bikers scared.
And bikers eat salads and they'll be scared of your Ford Truck.
You are getting very sleepy...

McDonald's - Lincoln Fry

A guy finds a french fry shaped like Abe Lincoln.
That's very... uninteresting.

I'm completely underwhelmed.

XXX - State of the Union

I saw XXX. It's about this guy, Xander Cage, played by Vin Diesel.
See, his name starts with X. And his nickname is Triple X.
And he has this tattoo that says "XXX" on his neck.
And the government makes him a secret agent.

So there's this sequel with no Vin Diesel in it.
And XXX is now played by... Ice Cube!
He's "The New Triple X" even though his name isn't Xander Cage.
And they give him that XXX tattoo!

And it totally makes sense and audiences will totally buy it!

Oh! I'm so there! I want my ticket!

GOD DAMN WHO DO THEY THINK WE ARE?
FUCK those asshole movie people.

Ford Mustang - Green Light

Perhaps the most morbid ad ever for an automobile.
Homeboy takes his new convertible Mustang out for a spin
and he freezes to death, an eerie smile etched on his face.
Oh, I am rushing to the dealership.
I am standing outside the doors "open, open, open..."
I just have to get me one of those Deathmobiles.

Bud Light - Skydiver

I'm laughing. That was funny.
A guy throws a six-pack of Bud Light out of a plane -
to motivate a hesitant skydiver.

That's pretty dumb. Because the bottles will definitely break
and possibly kill some people down below.

The funny part is the pilot, running after the beer and jumping out of the plane.

Funny funny.

Ciba Vision - O2 Optix

A thoroughly unremarkable ad for contact lenses.

Constantine

Meh. Looks okay.

My friends will all go see it and complain about it to me later.

Diet Pepsi - P. Diddy

P. Diddy hitches a ride in a Diet Pepsi truck
and suddenly all the celebrities want to drive Diet Pepsi trucks.

I don't believe I have ever seen a Diet Pepsi truck.
I believe they deliver Diet Pepsi in the same truck with all the other Pepsi drinks.

I'm not so sure there is such a thing as a Diet Pepsi truck. This is dumb.

Bubblicious - LeBron James

The ad says it all right in the beginning.
"So much hype."

Exactly.
I'm going to buy bubble gum because LeBron James chews it on tv?

Who is it that made this leap? That we want to be just like famous people?
That we will mimic their behavior and use their products? It's just gross.

Olympus M: Robe

I never seen a commercial like this before.

Oh wait. I have. All the iPod commercials ever aired.

I'd like you to note please, the white headphone cord flying around.

Look at it, think about it. Why is it there. What's it supposed to remind you of?

The Pacifier

Oh, so that's where Vin Diesel is.

Maybe Ice Cube can play him in the sequel.
They're like twins. They're interchangeable.

FedEx

FedEx cleverly combines all the elements of a good Super Bowl ad
to create the guaranteed best ad.

Know what they're missing?
Monkeys.

Monkeys monkeys monkeys.

Bud Light - Deserted Island

Finally an ad that is truly degrading to women.
It took us nearly 10 minutes to get here!
And I thought we were slippin'!

Volvo XC90

A lot going on in this ad.
Rockets, a Volvo, Richard Branson...

Is he really starting commuter space travel?
You really think if you win this contest, you're going to space?

You'll be eighty.

Diet Pepsi

Drinking Diet Pepsi makes you a sexy man.
All men who are sexy are tall and muscular.
Male models drink carbonated sodas.

And you are getting very sleepy...

GoDaddy.com

Tits Are The Downfall of America.
Shame Shame Shame on GoDaddy.com.

A lot of the ads this year are being perceived as overly cautious,
and I like that this ad pokes fun at that.

I'd like to remind everybody that when janet's boob popped out last year,
you couldn't really see anything.
I mean, thousands of guys TiVo'd that shit
and you can't see tit after 300 instant replays.
There was nothing to see, but somebody decided it must have been on purpose
and we have somehow violated a "decency" standard for the Superbowl.

Meanwhile we have ads for pills to make your dick hard.
You need one - the TiVo of Janet's blurry breast isn't gonna do it for ya.

Bud Light

Your girlfriend cheating on you with your friend.

That's funny and will sell beer.

Unless you've ever had a girlfriend cheat on you.

That's not funny.

The Longest Yard

Chris Rock and Adam Sandler belong in every movie!
It's the best way to do a remake!
Next up... the remake of Papillon with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah.

McDonald's

Still boring.

Visa Check Card

Another weird cross-promotional ad.

It's an ad for Visa, but it has all Marvel Comics characters in it.

I'd like to make an ad for MasterCard with all sorts of product mascots in it.
You know, like Chef Boyardee and the Morton Salt Girl. Wouldn't that be fun?

Ameriquest

This is why hands-free cell phones in public make you look like an ass.

People think you're talking to them, or talking to yourself.

Either way you look stupid and self-absorbed.

Quizno's

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

KILL IT! KILL IT!

It doesn't even look remotely real.

Hitch preview

Seen it.

Nine times.

today.

MBNA - Gladys Knight

I love Gladys Knight and so should you.

Honda - Ridgeline Pickup

This is a boring-ass commercial.
The most exciting part of the commercial is the word Honda -
it's like the punchline to a joke.

Damn, this is trite. Let's have a truck... driving up big rocks!

And we'll park it... on a cliff!

And we'll pay 2.4 MILLION DOLLARS to air it!

Anheuser-Busch

I keep on writing it.

Nobody cares about the Budweiser clydesdales.

They're an outdated corporate symbol and don't have much relevenace today.

I don't care how many zoo animals want to be Budweiser clydesdales. I don't.

Lay's

This ad was directed by Spike Lee,
and it's guaranteed to have more viewers than anything else he's directed lately.

Kids lose their baseball over the neighbor's fence,
and to entice the neighbor to throw the ball back,
they heave a bag of Lay's over.

All kinds of previously lost items come hurling back over the fence.

"My dad's '72 Impala!"
"M.C. Hammer! Where have you been?"

That's funny. He does the Hammer dance. That's funny.
The kids throw him back! That's funny. Good stuff.

Subway - steamy car

Cops investigate a car filled with steam.

Oh.... it's just those steamy new Subway toasted subs.

Awwwww.

Pepsi and iTunes

WOW this is dumb.

Wow.

Be Cool

Hey, did you see Get Shorty?

Me too. That's why I'm not really excited about Be Cool.

Degree - Mama's Boy

Not funny. Not clever. Not memorable.

2.4 million. Gone.

Whoops.

Pepsi and iTunes

Still dumb.

Now it's dumb twice.

Cadillac

Those poor misguided fools at Cadillac continue
to neglect their prime consumers.

They should advertise during Diagnosis Murder and JAG.

Careerbuilder.com - Apology

MONKEYS! I told you so.

It's the truth, proven time and time again,
Drunk Guys Love Monkeys.
We had two or three last year, and this year we get an office full of em!
Would it even be the Superbowl without monkeys to laugh at?

Taco Bell

A guy is showing off his baseball cards.

Not sealed in any kind of plastic binder or in cases of any kind.

Yeah, just spread right out on the table next to the burritos.

Dum da dum dum.

Bud Light - tough talking Latino cockatoo

I have no idea what to write. I'm flabbergasted.

It's an ornery Cuban bird in a bar.

Batman Begins

Aww yeah.

But wait. If it's about how Batman began...

why does it take place now?

Cosentino Silestone

What? Yeah, it's a countertop company.

You know, they make... countertops.

And they got Mike Ditka and Dennis Rodman to be in their ad.
And they bought Superbowl ad space.

It makes me sad, is all. Just sad.

Amber Bock

Amber Bock has had these ads for a while,
showing guys who are rich but not smooth,
and then guys who are smooth but not rich.

Amber Bock is, of course, rich and smooth.

Clever. Amusing. It's an okay ad.

Heineken - Brad Pitt

Because Brad Pitt really lives in an apartment in Downtown LA. Yeah.

And he walks dowen the street there.

Let me tell ya somethin.
Homeless people wander the streets of Downtown in full-on zombie pose.
Arms outstretched, drooling, mumbling zombie people.

It is SCARY. People don't walk down the street in that part of downtown LA.

NFL Network - Tomorrow

A formulaic ad in which people in different places
all sing a line from the same song.

In a dramatic departure, in this ad, they all sing in the same key!
Progress marches on.

And when the guy yells at his kids it's funny. To me.

Ford Mustang

They re-ran the mustang spot because of the Ford ad that was rejected.

It depicted a priest running his hand along the side of a truck.

Fondling it. Right?

Yeah, so Fox won't air the ad.
Except on the nightly news.
and the morning news. And the afternoon news.

Olympus M: Robe

"M Robe" ?

M... Robe...?

M. Robe.

I don't get it.

Tobasco - Tan Lines

So, the swimsuit is made of tabasco?

Ah whatever, maybe I need to watch this one again.

And again.

I'll get back to ya.

Robots

Looks bad. Very bad.

Like a string of one-liners sewn into a movie
for kids who won' t get the bad jokes.

NFL

Just when I thought they weren't going to
bring back Don Cheadle to babble incoherently.

We're three for three people.

Three years of these ads that mean nothing and make no sense.

Anheuser-Busch - Thank You Troops

Awwwww. Very touching. I cried a smidge.

Has nothing to do with beer, but it's very touching.

Napster

Yeah, you still don't have me.

It's not napster, it's just called napster.

Oooh, and look how shrewd they are,
pointing out how expensive iPods are.

As if that needed to be pointed out.

Staples - Easy Button

Look!

Men can't change diapers!

It's 1995 again! Yay!

Ameriquest

wow, that's funny.

Careerbuilder.com

MONKEYS!

War of the Worlds

Remakes happen.

Cialis

Erections lasting longer than four hours,
though rare, require immediate medical attention.

This is okay. Black women's breasts are not okay.

Not for America.

Honda Ridgeline

"It's not just another truck."

But it is just another truck commercial.

YAWN.

Verizon Vcast

I like this ad. It's kind of stupid, but any ad with lots of celebrities is stupid.

I like Christina Aguilera and her stylist saying, "You look good, girl."
It's a funny and natural delivery and it makes the ad.

Toyota Prius

This is an amazing ad.

It's a great concept, wonderful execution.

Good music, it's absorbing, it works.

Great.

Budweiser Select

It's a closeup of beer pouring into a glass.

I'm supposed to review this?

Mastercard

Damn, the ads are weird this year.
This one is on freakin' acid.

Count Chocula with Charlie the Tuna?
I think someone in ad-land had a little hallucination party in the grocery store.

And this is all supposed to be related to a credit card. Yeah....

Emerald Nuts

Bad. Oh. Bad.

It's a bad ad with a bad concept and it's ugly.

The colors are ugly, the Santa and the Easter Bunny are ugly,
and someone has to say it, the kid is ugly too.

Bad ugly. Ugly bad.

Anheuser-Busch - Designated Driver

It's kinda funny.

Clubgoers copy Cedric's dance moves.

Because we will all mimic any celebrity.

Careerbuilder.com

MONKEYS!

Commercials for FOX and the NFL

I think maybe Fox was exaggerating
when they said they had sold ALL the advertising slots.

Sahara

Hey, this doesn't look like National Treasure at all.

And I always thought Penelope Cruz looked like an archaeological expert.
Perfect!