NFL - Diamond Ring

Don Cheadle says:
"A diamond ring is the reason we're here.
The playoffs made diamonds a guy's best friend
and turned a diamond ring into a diamond ring."

Great. Last year, Don Cheadle told us that the Superbowl
turned Roman Numerals into Roman Numerals.
this year, the playoffs turn a diamond ring into a diamond ring.

I'd like to point out that a stupid commercial is still a stupid commercial.

Aloha Airlines - Auction

Flight attendants are shown auctioning off a cheese sandwich.

I think this ad is particularly brilliant.
It's exactly how I felt last time I flew Delta,
when I was informed that my lunch,
a cold dry roast beef sandwich,
was going to cost me an extra 10 dollars.

Next time, I think I will fly Aloha Airlines.
Oh... wait. I'm not going to Hawaii. What exactly is the point of this ad?

Pizza Hut - 4forAll

Everybody loves the Muppets, right?

Kermit orders a pizza as quietly as he can,
but soon all the Muppets in the house
are shouting about what toppings they want.

Pizza Hut smartly places this ad well before the game,
prime time for ordering pizzas.
The ad features the 4-for-all, 4 individual square pizzas
with different toppings, all in one box for 12 bucks.
I have a feeling a lot of hungry guys are gonna go for this.

Ford GT (2 ads)

Not particularly special commercials.
Looks like any ordinary bland ad for a car.
Maybe the car is really neato, but the ad really isn't.

I find it highly impractical to build, sell, and market
what is, essentially a race car.

The ad shows a race car driver, driving the car on a race course.

That's great, but we live in the real world.
I've been in LA for 4 years - I'm lucky to drive 60 on any given day.

Tostitos -Wedding Coat Room

A bride busts into the coat room to find her groom
and all the groomsmen huddled around a tv watching football
and eating, of course, Tostitos.

She says "Oh great, the game's on" and joins them.

Kinda clever, kinda funny.
I thought the bride and grrom weren't supposed to see each other before the wedding.
It must be the reception. Ah, doesn't matter.

Meh.

McDonald's - Dryer Sheet

Okay, this is gross.
A man (because men are stupid) mistakes a
hamburger wrapper for a dryer sheet.
And hilarity ensues.

I'm glad McDonald's has finally acknowledged
that fatty food makes people horny.
I mean, fat rolls and clogged arteries are sexy, right?
All that heavy breathing... come on, you know you want some.

Bud Light - It's All Here

Stylish, simple. Nice. I like it.

Budweiser bought EIGHT advertising slots for the game,
so I hope they are all this good.

Cialis

Yet another erection pill.

This one just says "Cialis is here. Are you ready?"
I'm not sure. I guess I'm ready. Who knows?

Imagery in prescription drug ads has always been perplexing,
but this commercial is downright bizarre.

A man and a woman are lying side by side,
in two separate bathtubs, outside!

Why would anyone have a bathtub outdoors, let alone two?

If I have Cialis, do my wife and I get to use the same bathtub?

Pizza Hut - Jessica Simpson and the Muppets

I already said I love the Muppets,
and I'm a guy, so you know I don't mind Jessica Simpson all that much.

What can i say, i'm just a softie. This is a great ad.

Bud Light -Dogs

Budweiser knows it - laughs sell beer.
And nothing gets laughs like a good ol' bite in the crotch.

FedEx - Alien

So... an alien manages to procure and keep a job
knowing only the phrase "Why don't we use FedEx"?

This ad is an insult to the millions of Americans
who found themselves laid off this year, through no fault of their own.

I suppose if they used the phrase "Why don't we use FedEx?"
they wouldn't be collecting unemployment today.

Dodge Magnum - Monkey on your back

"Hey, what's with the monkey on your back?"
"Oh I'm looking for a family car that's cool."

Already this ad is stupid. Is there like, one guy
at every ad agency who suggests they use a literal
interpretation of a tired cliché?

This cliché doesn't even apply, in my opinion.
Alcoholism - that's a monkey on your back.
trying to quit smoking - that's a monkey on your back.

Trying to find a family car that's cool?
Please.

And then the tagline for the car is, "Yeah, it's got a Hemi".

It's been a year now and I'm sick of Dodge "branding" engine parts
as if they're something special. Even Nissan followed suit,
advertising their "Rancho" shocks.

Will Dodge assign a brand name to the nap in the floor mats before they hit consumer backlash?

Pepsi - Bear

So, he bear has enough sense to wear a disguise and write a check,
but not enough sense to kill the people and eat everything in the store?

Come on, this is a bear here.

AOL - TopSpeed Technology

Once again, pandering to the lowest common denominator.

<caveman speak> "AOL fast".

I mean, that's really all you need to know, isn't it. That it's fast.

Van Helsing

Finally Hugh Jackman gets a role where he has to hide his Australian accent less.

I love how the movies can take classic literature (Dracula) , blend it with other literature (Frankenstein) and blend that with a 50's horror movie (The wolf Man) to make a whole new wonderful thing that will cause thousands of 5th graders to flunk their book reports.

Bud Light -Cedric the Entertainer

Cedric is funny. Is there a breeze in here?

Troy

Is that Brad Pitt affecting an accent?

I can't figure out why actors playing Greeks, Germans, Russians, Egyptians... as long as it's a period piece, they all speak with British accents. I suppose it's to drive home the point that they're supposed to be foreign.

H & R Block - The Willie Nelson Advice Doll

H&R Block paid over $2.3 million just to air this ad,
and they had to pay Willie Nelson on top of that.
This money came from where?

Certainly not from high-interest short-term loans on a massive scale.
No, not that.

50 First Dates

Good preview. Looks like a good movie... maybe.
It's a toss-up with comedies, isn't it?

When's the last time a movie with a funny preview was actually a great funny movie?

I guess they figure the Super Bowl viewers are in a gambling mood.

Budweiser - Referee

Finally we get to see the shrewish, overbearing wives so common to beer ads.

Strange how women are these young beautiful impressionable creatures when they're single,
but they turn into these ferocious grumpy beasts when they get married.

Ah, the world of the beer commercial.

Monster.com - Find the one you dig.

We see a young man and an old man, going through very similar morning routines, on their way to work, and finally, they meet. The old man is interviewing, and the young man is applying for the position.

This is the first time I've seen Monster.com advertise itself as a sort of internet "dating service" for employers and job applicants. What it really is is a giant virtual haystack.

Sierra Mist - Bagpipers

Yeah, that's just wrong.

Miracle - Preview

Looks like a hockey movie.

A Disney hockey movie.

Uh, have you ever sat near the players' boxes during a hockey game?

Hockey players don't have Disney mouths.

Levitra

Oh, now I get it.
If you take Levitra, you can throw a football through a tire.
Or a hot dog down a hallway. I don't know.

Why is Levitra an official sponsor of the NFL?
I can't be a hundred percent, but I'm pretty sure
that the NFL players aren't having any penis trouble.
Okay, maybe a lot of VD, but other than that.

And they're implying that Major League Baseball is rife with impotence?

This is too wierd. It's the second ad for a prescription drug
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T GET AN ERECTION
and the ad never says anything about what the drug really is.

They only say "Take the Levitra Challenge"
which is what - a batting contest?

Budweiser Clydesdales

What's the big deal about the Budweiser Clydesdales, anyway?
You only see them once a year anyway, during a Super Bowl Ad.

Okay, I once saw the Clydesdales' horse trailer -
there's an equestrian center in my neighborhood.
But really, are the guys watching football the same kind of guys
that would go to a freakin' horse show?

The Alamo - Preview

Another war movie, oh goody!

I love to watch dirty people shoot guns, don't you?

Pepsi and iTunes

Pepsi and Apple, the two underdogs unite.

It's like, hi, we're co-operating with the RIAA,
but at the same time, we make fun of the RIAA.

I've already said how ridiculous the whole RIAA - file-sharing thing is.

You can read my comments here.

Levitra

"Now's the time to take the Levitra Challenge" says Mike Ditka.

No, Mike. Now's the time to watch the fucking Super Bowl.

Mitsubishi - Freeway

Whoa!

Now that's an advertisement!

Danger, excitement, suspense, and definitely some dumb-ass
out there in America is gonna make the news
killing himself trying to duplicate the stunt.

Bud Light - Horse Fart

Ha. That's just silly.

Horses are smelly.

Philip Morris USA - Youth Smoking Prevention Ad

Yes, one out of five children will try a cigarette by age thirteen.
And we did it, parents! We at Phillip Morris are loving it!

It's up to you, parents! Just you try and compete
with the attractive models in our cigarette ads.

That's what it should say: Just you try.

Charmin

"Softer on your end zone" !!!
Ladies, I'd like to point out that I am actually rougher on your end zone.
If ya catch my meaning if ya get my drift.

Is anyone else bothered by the bear?
I suppose this is a reference to "Does a bear shit in the woods?"
But - everybody knows what bears wipe their asses with.

Rabbits.

Starsky & Hutch - Preview

Wow. This is a spectacularly bad movie preview.

Cut fast enough so that you can't see how bad it is, a common technique.

Never more than two spoken lines at a time - to cover up scenes that don't play well.

This isn't a preview, it's a red flag.

Pepsi - Mo'Nique

This reminds me of the good ol' Coke and Pepsi commercials of the 80's.

Approved.

IBM - Muhammad Ali

I find it highly disturbing that IBM wants to "shake up the world".

The Nazis used IBM punch-card machines to find all the Jews in Germany.
They used the same machines to assign numbers to every Jew in Auschwitz.

IBM automated the Holocaust,
so the phrase "shake up the world" is particularly creepy coming from IBM.

Visa - Volleyball

The first hot semi-naked skinny women we've seen, the whole game -

and it's not even a beer commercial!

Inspiring.

Secret Window - Preview

In case we forgot - for every good movie Johnny Depp is in,
he does a bad movie. I guess to cover expenses and whatnot, I don't know.

This actually looks like footage from The Ninth Gate.
Same hair, same glasses...

Remember that one? I didn't think so.

Chevrolet -Soap

This is another great ad.

Praise the Lord, it's about time we saw one.

Is it me, or are this year's ads kind of weak?

Lay's - Grandparents

Old people fighting over potato chips?

Thank goodness they're not eating the WOW chips.
We don't need to be cleaning up grandpa's "anal leakage".

AOL - Top Speed

The guy says "I don't need to know how it works."

Hey, man, you said it, not me.

AOL, for the dumbass in all of us.

NFL - Join the Team

I have no idea what I just watched or what it was for.

Halftime Show

... and this is Janet Jackson's breast.

Stunt? Mistake? Pastie? You decide.

NFL

Another ad for football, something you're already watching.

And Warren Sapp can not sing.

Microsoft

blah

Sierra Mist

Just when I thought I was through with that dude
and his little football of a dog.

Enough already! this is so grotesque.

Expedia.com

Yes, it's true, magicians like to humiliate people.

I enjoy these Expedia ads where people imagine
the worst case scenario when planning their vacations.

Because usually that's what a vacation is.

Bud Light - Monkey

A talking monkey, how novel.

Monkeys sell beer.

Staples - That Was Easy

If you're counting, that makes two good commercials.

Cialis

Again.

Only this time, they tell you what it is - a "tablet for erectile dysfunction"
that works for 36 hours.

And just in case you have no imagination -
the announcer says I SWEAR:

"Erections lasting longer than four hours, though rare, require immediate medical help"

Yikes!

Monster

Meh.

People getting ready in the morning.

Eh.

Hidalgo - Preview

This movie looks like it will make me thristy.

Gillette

This ad is so completely PREPOSTEROUS,
I don't know where to begin with it.

<--- First of all - don't ever shave like that.

The ad says things like "It's like having an angel by your side"
and "I never want to lose that feeling"

I can't believe this fucking ad! Scores of half naked men and women.
Images of acheivement, exhilaration, lovemaking.

Excuse me?
I know the feeling of a Gillette razor, and it's why I don't shave every day.
It's the feeling of scraping hair off your face.

Cadillac - Turbulence

Enough! Enough! "Ooh yeah, ooh yeah"
Cadillac has done it.
They've made everyone despise a song they used to rock out to.
Just the opening drum solo to Led Zep's "Rock And Roll"
now sends me into hysterics trying to skip to the next track or mute the volume.

I simply cannot tolerate it anymore.
It's like how they played "Achy Breaky Heart"
to the Branch Davidians in Waco until they set themselves on fire.

Cadillac! What do you want from me?
I used to enjoy this music!
Now all I want to do is kick Robert Plant in the crotch!
Damn you, Cadillac and your boxy old-people cars!

Budweiser - Dale Earnhart Jr.

So Dale drops a girl off at the airport and then races the plane to LA to return a forgotten lipstick. And then it's not the girl's lipstick and Dale is in trouble. And where's the beer. Do you hear me people? No beer in this commercial. This commercial for beer.

Budweiser - Drink Responsibly

It doesn't matter if you're the designated driver or not.

If you don't know any hot chicks, you don't know any hot chicks.

Mastercard - Homer Simpson

Previous ads for MasterCard: Not cool.
This commercial: Priceless.
Although the googly eyes at the end did kind of freak me out.
But I might be eating some bad guacamole, who knows.

I just realized I don't think I've ever even seen a MasterCard.
Everyone I know uses Visa. Everyone except Homer Simpson.

Nextel - Dale Earnhart Jr.

Deja Vu. I've always said, if anyone deserves multiple endorsement deals,
it's a true role model: a guy who drives a car very fast for a living.

Don't you want your kids to drive really fast?

Truth - Shards O' Glass

Brilliant. I'll have a "Shards O' Glass" freeze pop, please.
It's true that tobacco is the only product
that kills one-third of consumers when used as directed!
And that's not counting people who stick it up their nose and stuff.

7-Up - Slam Dunk

Godfrey, the oblivious 7-up guy is back, driving a truck with a basketball hoop on it.

Hilarity ensues as people try to slam dunk a basketball through the hoop,
only to crash and burn. Hardee har har.

People falling is funny. Drink 7-up. Makes sense to me.

Partnership for a Drug-Free America

I hope you like it, because you paid for it.

$2.35 million for an advertising slot.

Taxpayer money.

Cadillac

For 20 seconds this ad was silent and I thought,

"So prayer really does work."

But no, the gimmick is that the car moves faster than sound.

Which it doesn't.

The Ladykillers - Preview

Here's the proof, I'm sad to say, that my beloved Coen Brothers are slippin.

It looks like a period film, taking place in the 1930's, until...

Marlon Wayans "whassups" his way into the picture,
spewing hip-hop-isms and making frenetic wiggity-wack hand gestures.

Pepsi - Young Jimi Hendrix

Young Jimi chooses Pepsi over Coke and wanders into a pawn shop selling a Fender Stratocaster, instead of the accordion shop next tot the Coke machine.

Cute.

Stupid, but cute.

AIG

Bo - ring .

Subway

A good ad that apologizes for a bunch of bad ads.

I guess we should be thankful we didn't have to see "Subway Jim"
with his no eyebrows and his queer habit
of calling the Subway Sandwich Artists by their first name.
"Hi Susan! What are you serving today?"
I go to Subway twice a week and I'm lucky to get someone who speaks English.

Partnership For A Drug-Free America

A girl turns her back as her friend drowns.

The ad says "If your friend has a problem with drugs or drinking, do something."

Leave it to the U.S. Government to end the Super Bowl on an up note.