NFL Gameday - Male Models fighting over a slice of pizza

Apparently, this is what the average guy looks like.
I'm gonna tell you a secret.
This guy can't even remember his last slice of pizza.

Hanes - Jackie Chan and Michael Jordan

This CGI shirt tag is the fakest thing I've ever seen.

Not so long ago I said the worst thing to do with a commercial
is to put Michael Jordan in it...

Radioshack

...but maybe I spoke too soon.

I've never been happier to see Shaquille O'Neal.

Because he's not Teri Hatcher.

Don Cheadle - "Roman Numerals"

"What are roman numerals?
They are just that - roman numerals.
It took the superbowl to turn roman numerals
into roman numerals."

Hey. We're drinking beer here,
not smoking crack.

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! promo

I used to work with Melissa Rivers
and she's a nice lady.

I, on the other hand, am not very nice.
And the ratings for this show will also be not very nice.

Alias promo

Woo-hoo!

Pizza Hut

The guy says, "I've got something for you"
and right away his girlfriend is like,
"Is it a ring?"

Fella, it's time to drop the pizza and RUN.

Budweiser - Replay

After I watched the commercial a few times
I understood what this was.
The zebra is a referee, and he has his head in a box
watching an instant replay.

Unfortunately the commercial ran once
and if I hadn't been in a room full of other guys
I would have had no clue what I was looking at.

Pepsi Twist
The Osbornes turn into the Osmonds

I love to see Ozzy bumble
and I love to see the Osmonds make fun of themselves.

What I don't love to see is bratty Jack Osborne.
On a recent episode of The Osbornes,
Sharon was saying that Jack had been banned
from several LA clubs because of his behavior.

He should be banned from the clubs
because he's a fucking child!
Jesus Christ!

He should also be banned from residual checks,
and he'll be cashing hundreds of them from this ad.

FedEx - Castaway

I didn't see Castaway.

And believe me, I tried,
I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Maybe if this commercial had come out a year ago...
No, I'd still rag on it.

Hulk preview

Yeeeeah.

Budweiser - Strongman Competition

This is just not funny.
I really wish it was, but it ain't.

Ha ha, the craving for a bud makes a man able to lift a thousand pounds.

Ow! My side.

Dodge Hemi Engine administers Heimlich Manouver

Remember the Orkin commercial with the roach crawling on the screen,
and how people broke their tv sets trying to smack the roach?

I imagine batallions of wives with Windex
advancing toward the loogee this commercial hocked onto the screen.

Damn, that's nasty!

Matrix preview

There are so many things I could say,
but all I really want to say is:

Woo-hoo!

Gatorade - Young Michael Jordan

I just found this to be downright creepy.

I don't have a clue how they did it, but it freaks me out.

Of course they still manage to fuck up an interesting ad
by covering Michael Jordan in Day-Glo Orange sweat.

Anger Management preview

Hmm, I should maybe look into that.

H&R Block

It's a commercial that shows Willie Nelson
doing a commercial because he needs the money.

It's like a crystal ball, this thing.

Budweiser - Upside Down Clown

This one made me laugh
and I like that you don't SEE
the clown stick the beer in his butt.

I also love that the clown asks for
"one o' those hot dogs"
and the bartender is like, "I don't think so."

Visa - Yo

Maybe I would be in on the joke
if I knew who the tall asian guy was

But I do know that if he doesn't speak much English,
and if he's buying a souvenir statue of liberty,
He probably can't write a local check.

Drug money kills people

I'm a firm believer that drug use is not harmless
and hurts many people in lots of ways.

I'm also a believer that people who use drugs
will make themselves believe anything
to justify their behavior.
It's called denial, and it's why this ad won't work.

SBC Pacific Bell

It's an ad that explains that
you can NOW have your local and long distance
on ONE phone bill.

Hi there. My phone bill has been that way for three years.
You needed to advertise during the Super Bowl?

Budweiser - No Pets

A thirsty guy and his dog walk
into a bar, past a sign that says "No Pets"
by employing a clever disguise.

Ya know, I ALWAYS have that problem.
No bar will let my carry my cat inside.
It's a universal problem that people can relate to.

Daredevil preview

He's blind.
And you'll wish YOU were, after this movie.

I can't believe a preview that has
this much Jennifer Garner in it
still doesn't make me want to see the movie.

She is ha-cha-cha.

Monster.com

Now truckers can find work on Monster.com.

I can't even get a job as a fucking receptionist
with the damn thing.

Now I can shoot my expectations even lower!

Sierra Mist

They're ba-ack.

I'm so glad I don't live in New York.

Sierra Mist

Heaven forbid you should show
monkeys doing things
without using the "2001" music.

As if the football fans get the reference.

Budweiser

Yet another commercial that expects you to believe
that if you're holding a Bud Light,

pickup lines work.

Bad Boys II preview

But wait!
I'm not finished trashing "National Security."

Budweiser

They also expect us to believe
that if you look like this...

Terminator 3 preview

Preview, this was like a no-view.

I can't remember a single thing I saw in this ad,
it was like looking at white noise.
I couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

Levi's

Me no understandee.

It's like some weird deserted cityscape, right.

And there are these white buffalo, stampeding down the road.

and then there's this guy.

Hey! Wash yo head!

And then the buffalo come running and they like,
clear a path for this guy and his girlfriend.

Presumably because of their bold Levi's jeans.
But I'm guessing it's the smell.

AT&T - MLife on Gilligan's Island

I think it's so shitty to use old footage
of dead actors in new commercials.

Because they have no say in the matter.

Old School preview

Todd Phillips is a guy who tried to make a documentary for HBO about fraternities,
but the fraternities (including mine) proved that Phillips faked it,
and the thing was never aired.

Now he's faking it again: making "frat" jokes
that should appeal to anyone who has no clue
what fraternities are or what they do.

Bruce Almighty

I laughed aplenty-
but are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That maybe they put all the funny parts into the preview?

Diet Pepsi at the mxpx concert

A commercial that proves:
those young "punk" bands
that are supposed to be so "anti-establishment"
will turn into Pepsi salsemen the first chance they get.

HotJobs - Rainbow Connection

I'm gonna tell you the secret to making a good commercial
where lots of people sing different lines of a song:

If you want it to cut together, make sure they all sing in the same key.

If they sing on-key at all.

Budweiser - Meet My Mom

True!

But there's no beer in this commercial. At all.

Have you noticed the MAN slant in all these ads?
It's a nice change from the dumb-ass guys
with shrewish wives and eyeball-rolling kids
that dominate today's advertising.

Subway

speaking of dumb-asses...

Charlie's Angels 2 preview

Know what happens if you play this ad in slow motion?
You can SEE it.

This commercial cuts so fast,
I had to count the empty beer cans
to make sure I wasn't trashed and blacking out.
You can't see a damn frame of this thing!

Are You Hot? promo

This made me want to just cry.
Boy, they've really got our number, don't they.

It doesn't matter anymore if you're hot-
now you need to be hotter than THIS guy or THAT girl.
No wonder we're a nation of emotional eaters.

SBC

Yet another ad EXPLAINING
that "SBC Pacific Bell is now SBC."
As if that was unclear on my phone bill.

Let me tell you something.
If you have to advertise
to explain the concept of a phone bill,
There's something wrong with America.

Budweiser - You're a great listener.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

ESPN
Without sports, there'd be no next year

That sounds like a threat.
Looks like our national security advisory is at color code "red"

AT&T - Antique Band Wagon

It's a good commercial
and it really looks like Antiques Roadshow.

As if anyone who watches Antiques Roadshow
stayed up late enough to watch the Super Bowl.

Tim McGraw is the designated driver

I can't fucking stand commercials
that expect you to recognize some country singer
as if they all don't look just like each other
and all wear the same shit.

Debit Mastercard

This ad shows a couple on a date,
interspersed with footage of U.S. Presidents
in period costume sitting on a couch.

I did NOT get it.
The presidents are supposed to be the cash
that they guy left at home.

Except they don't LOOK like cash,
they look like the History Channel.

Budweiser - Yoga Class

These guys bring fake legs and a couple a' brewskis
to a yoga class, to watch hot ladies bend their bodies.

works for me.

Until next year, people.