Hansen's

I have just tasted, for the first time, Diet Hansen's Ginger-Flavored Green Tea Soda.

Now imagine it tasting like a handful of loose change.

My reaction upon first tasting this intriguingly heinous beverage
was surprise, then confusion.
No, I thought, this can't be right.

I sipped again. There it was, the initial hit of carbonated tea,
mixed with the unmistakable flavor of... dirty metal.
I swallowed, and was struck by the incredible aftertaste, a mixture of fish, pickles, and... band-aids.

Am I hallucinating? Did I really just purchase a garbage-flavored soda?

I took a sniff. It smells like a swingset. Outdoor chain and rubber seat.
It's what I imagine a manhole cover would smell like after a rainstorm.
Fresh and sewery.
I still can't believe it.
The next day, the can actually smells like a vagina.

The cost of this fascinating journey into nastiness was just 89 cents.
I can honestly say I've never had a more thought-provoking beverage experience
that did not involve intoxication.

comment on this rant at the message board

Bad Grammar!

I brought home a new stick of deodorant last week, and I found this sticker affixed to the cap:

What the heck is this? Some kind of subversive marketing campaign?
What it looks like is an insult.
This sticker says I use Mitchum deodorant beacuse I'm a fat, lazy slob.

I do not use Mitchum deodorant because I am a fat, lazy slob.
I use Mitchum deodorant because I occasionally smell like one.

Apart from being baffling and offensive,
the statement is simply bad grammar.
You may consider mowing the lawn to be cardio,
but you don't consider something "as".

I was driving down Highway 101 here in Los Angeles, (or as we call it, "the 101")
and they have these big message boards that alert drivers to traffic conditions, accidents or whatever.
So I'm driving along and I see the sign, and it says:
Don't Drink and Drive - It Saves Lives

Do you realize that this actually says "Drinking And Driving Saves Lives???"
What it should say is "Save Lives - Don't Drink and Drive."

A week later, I noticed they changed the sign to "Don't Drink and Drive - Save Lives."

The straw that broke, well, my back was on my beloved Lost.
Two of the characters are Korean, and their flashback scenes are entirely in Korean, with subtitles.

During this particular scene, the subtitles should say "Your husband..."

And there it was, my number one pet peeve, on national televison, for the entire country to see.
This actually means "You Are Husband."

This is totally unacceptable!
Is nobody checking this crap?
It's as if all the dumb people you laughed at in high school have taken over the world!
These examples aren't from someone's blog or from a website -
I've probably made six typos and several grammar mistakes in this rant alone,
but it doesn't matter! I'm just a guy with a website!
(And I type fast when I'm angry)
I'm not an ad copy writer or the subtitler for ABC Television.
And I'm certainly not in charge of posting electronic highway billboards that millions of people see each day.

There should be consequences!
Consequences and repercussions!

Where is my giant red Sharpie when I need it?

comment on this rant at the message board

Thanks

Sometimes I forget how many people read my little website.
In a fit of boredom I googled "commercialsihate" and got 15,000 results.
A whole lotta people are writing about Commercials I Hate!
Today, I just want to say thank you.
Over 5,000 people were on the site during my Live Superbowl Ad Update,
and over 50,000 have visited since then!

Thanks for all the e-mails and messages, angry and otherwise.
My very favorite hate mail of all time is still posted on this page.
It is truly awesome and I highly suggest you read it
if you have not already done so!

Also, ladies, please stop sending me love letters and sexy photos.
I am officially spoken for.

Thanks again for continuing to visit the site, for posting on the message board and for making the website better every day.

Cheers,
Nathan

The Baby Bulldozer

As my girlfriend and I squeezed past 250 of Hollywood's Slowest People this weekend at the Grove, I remarked, "SUV's aren't enough anymore. Now they have to have SUV's for their babies."

You. With the overflowing pillow-top hooded navy blue segway-wheeled double-decker 4-foot-wide plastic Baby Escalade. Why don't you just carry your baby in your huge giant purse instead of putting purse and baby inside that obese excuse for a stroller? Or why don't you just stay home?

comment on this rant at the message board

Suddenly Everything Is Healthy

Uh oh. Advertisers have discovered that we all want to be healthy.
That's right, none of us wants to die.

All of a sudden things that will kill us and make us fat are being advertised as part of a healthy lifestyle. Chips. Crackers. Soda. Fast food. Chain restaurants.
"Look! You can still eat at McDonald's. We have salads. Salads with 50 grams of fat, but hey, it looks like you're making an effort! Our 35-fat-gram chicken strips are all white meat!"
"Hey, it's okay to eat at Friday's, we have an Atkins-approved menu! Dr. Atkins approved it posthumously, isn't that awesome?"

Here's the news. If it comes in a package. It's probably not good for you.
If they serve it at a restaurant. It's probably not good for you.
Basically if it's not a carrot, it's probably not good for you.

It's not in the advertisers' best interest for us to be healthy. They want us lacking. They want to sell us anything to fill that unsatisfied place in our lives. Chicken Selects won't turn your keg into a six-pack. And select is not a noun. Damn them.

comment on this rant at the message board

Did You Know?

Did you know?

Kellogg's Frosted Flakes were originally advertised as "Sugar Frosted Flakes"
and Corn Pops were called "Sugar Corn Pops" !

Memos

Memo to Hummer:
Ravers can't afford your vehicles.

Memo to Cadillac:
You are ignoring your base market: old people and pimps.

Memo to McDonald's:
"Select" is NOT a noun.

Memo to voters:
Bush did coke.

comment on this rant at the message board

Letter to 60 Minutes

On August 13th, 60 Minutes ran a story about how piracy affects the movie industry. This was my letter in response:

To whom it may concern:

I have been watching 60 Minutes for over ten years and have never written to you before, but watching your story "Pirates of the Internet," [link] I was struck by some inaccuracies and felt compelled to write.

The motion picture industry has been circulating anti-piracy advertisements featuring rank-and-file movie employees talking about how piracy affects their livelihood. I work in the movie industry, and the fact is that while piracy may impact box-office numbers and DVD sales, these are factors that don't affect freelance crew members, like the set painter featured in the anti-piracy ads, and like the carpenters I saw on 60 Minutes. These people are paid the same rate whether the film makes $100 or $100 million. The same is true of video and DVD sales. Only "above-the-line" crew members (i.e. Director, Producer) and very high-profile actors can profit from a percentage of a movie's box-office or home video sales. I was surprised to see this misconception perpetuated on 60 Minutes.

The second misconception I saw perpetuated on 60 Minutes is that the studios created Movielink, the on-line video-on-demand service. Movielink was not created by and is not run by the studios. It operates like a pay-per-view cable outlet, licensing films to be exhibited over a negotiated period of time. Far from being controlled by the studios, Movielink is often the subject of litigation by the studios, when it fails to remove a movie from its web site after its licensing period has expired.

As for piracy destroying the music and film industries, it's my opinion that these industries are too eager to focus externally instead of getting to the root of consumer dissatisfaction. Movie tickets have doubled in price over the last five years for no apparent reason, coupled with increasingly inane and underwhelming product. This year, reports published indicated that while box-office numbers have risen, ticket sales have decreased. The price of a new music CD today exceeds that of a movie on DVD, while offering significantly less content for the consumer. Of course the music industry is experiencing consumer backlash. Only Universal Music Group has taken the initiative by lowering wholesale prices of new CDs. The other record labels and the movie studios should follow their example if they want to reconnect with their audience, and their audience's wallets.
Sincerely,

Nathan Alexander
Webmaster
Commercials I Hate .com

comment on this rant at the message board

Anti-Piracy Ads Shown in Theatres

Commercials do not belong on the movie screen.
Commercials about movie piracy DEFINITELY do not belong on a movie screen.

And lies do not belong in advertising.
The anti-piracy ad running in movie theatres across the country is a big fat lie.

The ad features a set painter. He explains that movie piracy hurts him more than it could ever hurt the big fat rich movie producers.
Hmmm, that's interesting, because a set painter isn't affected by piracy at all.
A set painter gets paid the same, whether you pay to see the movie or not.
A set painter's job doesn't depend on the box-office revenue of the film.
A set painter gets paid even if the movie is never released at all.

This set painter is a liar. The MPAA are liars.
Here is what the MPAA says on their website, respectcopyrights.org:

YOU'RE THREATENING THE LIVELIHOOD OF THOUSANDS The entertainment industry isn't made up only of familiar actors, actresses and directors. It is made up of over 500,000 everyday working people that bring the magic of the movies to you. But, when movies are illegally downloaded from the Internet, these are the people that suffer the most. It's the woman who does the make-up, the guy who rigs the lighting, the sound technician, the costume designer, the set decorator and the caterer. Do you really want these people to lose their jobs?

Show of hands, people.
Who thinks they're gonna stop making movies because of piracy?
I already noticed they stopped making good movies.
The price of a movie ticket has tripled in the last decade and the movies get worse and worse.
Here's my advice. Steal from the greedy miserable lying bastards.
Pay for one movie, sneak into two. Download anything you can find.
Show the MPAA that we don't like lies and the lying liars who tell them.
And here's my advice for the MPAA: Don't annoy people who paid for their movie tickets
by forcing them to watch a phony ad about piracy. They bought tickets.
Instead focus your ad campaign on the internet where the piracy is.
Buy ad space on a file-sharing site, Jesus Christ. Don't you ever talk to young people?

comment on this rant at the message board

It's not a BAND, it's a GROUP.

I'm sick of musical acts like N'Sync and B2K being referred to as "bands".
When the term "boy band" was being thrown around, I started to get annoyed. Who started this shit? Don't they know anything? A band plays instruments. Two or more singers with no instruments is a group. Nobody ever referred to The Temptations or New Edition as a band. those were groups. The Rolling Stones, that's a fucking band. Zeppelin, that was a band.
O-Town? That's a group. I reached my saturation level when ABC and MTV began airing "Making The Band", a show all about - five guys who don't play drums, bass, or guitar. Not a band.
I reached my breaking point with P-Diddy's absurd "Making The Band 2", when he decides to name his volatile collection of seven or eight rappers and singers "Da Band". Fucking infuriating. Listen, P-Dipshit, "Da Band" is not a band. It's a group.

     

Have you seen the commercials for "Amici, the Opera Band"? Just typing it is making me angry.

Who are these people who have hijacked the English language and made words mean whatever they want?

comment on this rant at the message board

Bush wants to outlaw gay marriage... for what?

What President George W. Bush said about same-sex marriages is truly disgusting. He said the homosexuals getting married "leave the people with no recourse." They. As if gay people aren't The People. Inherent in Bush's remarks is a contempt he is unable to hide.
Bush wants to pledge millions of our tax dollars for the "Defense of Marriage Act". I can't even think of a way to spend TWO dollars to "protect the sanctity of marriage." That's MY money! And yours. Spent in furtherance of a cause that isn't mine or yours.
The President is laboring under the misapprehension that because he is an Evangelical Christian, and because he was elected, that America wants an Evangelical Christian agenda. Bush believes deep down that if you don't accept Christ you're going to hell. What that means to you and me is that he couldn't possibly represent the interests of anyone who isn't Christian.
Suppose 50 years from now, we found out there were blue people. These people had been blue all along, but had been in hiding. Suddenly the President wants to make an Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, to say blue people can't marry each other. A blue person could marry you, but they couldn't marry each other. Would that make sense?
As young people, we have a perspective that Bush can never have.
When Bush was growing up, there were White and Colored drinking fountains, and that was normal.
To a young person today, segregation is unthinkable, an absurd notion. Every bit as absurd as modifying the Constitution of the United States to DENY any right to any class of people.
I sincerely hope that these remarks are indeed the final sanctimonious nail in George Bush's coffin. We, the people, the ones with BRAINS, the ones with INSIGHT, we are the hammer to drive that nail home.
It is absolutely vital that you vote. The current administration wants you to believe your vote won't count. That belief can only work in favor of George Bush. Think about that, and vote.

comment on this rant at the message board

Letter to Roger Ebert

An advertisement for HBO disguised as a movie review is something I can't tolerate.
I sent this e-mail to good ol' Roger Ebert at the Chicago Sun-Times:

I'm baffled by Ebert & Roeper's relatively recent trend of reviewing HBO movies.
While these films may have merit, HBO is a premium subscription service, not available to many of your viewers. I can't go buy a ticket to any of these movies. Many of these films are never even released on video. Conspiracy, with Kenneth Branaugh, is a perfect example. Unavailable on video, this film can only be seen when it runs on HBO.
I'm sure it's brilliant, but the choice to see it isn't mine, so a review isn't helpful to me as a consumer. Why give a review to a film that can't be viewed by the general public?
The only explanation that leaps to mind is that HBO has a deal in place with Ebert & Roeper At The Movies. A review shouldn't be bought, Mr. Ebert.

Thank you,
Nathan Alexander
commercialsihate.com

comment on this rant at the message board

Happy Holidays

Hello, and Season's Greetings. This is the time of year when the retail and advertising industries do their very best to pretend that Jews don't exist. Companies put Santa Claus in their ad campaigns and stores put Christmas trees in their display windows. Christmas music is piped into malls and office buildings. The message is clear: Americans are Christian.
Here in Los Angeles, a billboard for a local radio station shows Santa proudly announcing a solid month of "Holiday music". Los Angeles is home to over a million people who aren't Christian. I hope those people have enough sense to boycott the sponsors of that radio station. Sponsors who think it's acceptable to alienate a section of their audience for a month.
The euphemism "Holiday" is especially insulting when delivered by Santa himself. Advertisers should just say Christmas when they mean Christmas. The implied inclusiveness of "Happy Holidays" is inadequate and insincere. It's a cop-out to make Jews and other non-Christians feel as if they're not being discriminated against. Christianity is not the only religion in America. It's not even the largest in the world. American advertisers need to realize that a Christmas ad campaign is the worst kind of insensitivity. To the non-Christian consumer it says "We don't need your money. You're not our market."

comment on the Holiday rant at the message board

The RIAA and Illegal Downloading

Every day on the news, the RIAA is going ape shit over file-sharing services ruining their business. People can download music for free, says the RIAA, and those are people who aren't buying cd's in the store.
I'd like to point out that the Public Library System has been in place forever. Anyone who wants to read the latest bestseller can get it for free at the library, where it is then passed on to another reader. There's two readers that didn't buy the book. And I don't hear the publishing industry raising hell over it.
People still buy books, and publishers still get paid.
Writers don't drive Bentleys upholstered with Burberry fabric. I didn't see Chuck Palahniuk on MTV Cribs. Recording artists are paid exorbitant sums.
How dare the RIAA even imply that file sharing is taking food out of anyone's mouth! It's so stupid and transparent, it's making my head hurt.

comment on this rant at the message board