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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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Topic: The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread
Posted By: PaWolf
Subject: The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread
Date Posted: 17 Apr 2008 at 11:26pm
PoorNancy.jpg%20Poor%20Nancy%20picture%20by%20pawolf1

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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike



Replies:
Posted By: Jimmy
Date Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 1:06am
G.W. Bush

He's the biggest joke I've seen in decades!

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One man gathers what another man spills


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 1:38am
 
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be our
President.
The old rancher said,'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was.
The old rancher said,'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the
dumb ass get down.'


Posted By: Jimmy
Date Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 3:21am
I wish Bush was a crushed turtle!

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One man gathers what another man spills


Posted By: FaithSF
Date Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 3:39am
Originally posted by Jimmy Jimmy wrote:

G.W. Bush

He's the biggest joke I've seen in decades!


But he's a SICK joke! (And not funny, either.)


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 19 Apr 2008 at 1:12am
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part  died to day, and I am very sad.'



Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry , Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said  Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?' 



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


Posted By: CatWoman
Date Posted: 19 Apr 2008 at 4:24am
LOST IN THE DARNEDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."
____________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."   (Molson's????)
_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
_____________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there' s a ca r going the wrong way on Interstate
77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As th ey were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it.

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"



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Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 12:45am
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"Embarrassed


Posted By: LOL1955
Date Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 5:15am

WARNING!  RELIGIOUS CONTENT AHEAD.  PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

One Sunday morning, a mother awoke, climbed the stairs to her son's room, and knocked on the door.

"Rise and shine, Son.  It's time to get ready for Mass."

There was no answer, so she knocked a little harder, and called a little louder.

"Come on, honey.  It's time to get up and go to Mass."

She still heard nothing.  This time she pounded the door with her fist, and shouted.

"Son, now get up.  We're going to be late for Mass."

A weak voice answered, "I'm not going."

"What do you mean, 'you're not going.'  You have to go to Mass."

"I'm not going, Ma.  Church is boring, the music's awful, and the preaching is worse."

The mother paused a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, son, but you're the only priest in town, so you're going to Mass."

 



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Love endures all.


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 2:13pm
 
CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

***************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.  NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you  so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.  In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 24 Apr 2008 at 1:45am
 
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Ya know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station.
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
 
So from now on womon, when I say
'Bell one', I want you to strip naked. When I say
'Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I say
'Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
 
The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out
"Bell Four!". "WOMON... What da hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.
She replied "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"


Posted By: CatWoman
Date Posted: 24 Apr 2008 at 2:29am
A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."

The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."

So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."

The priest says, "Was it that http://www.beliefnet.com/dailyjoke/dailyjoke.aspx?QID=4581# - Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."

So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"

As he is http://www.beliefnet.com/dailyjoke/dailyjoke.aspx?QID=4581# - walking http://www.beliefnet.com/dailyjoke/dailyjoke.aspx?QID=4581# - home , Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"

And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."

"How was it?"

Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
 


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Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 25 Apr 2008 at 1:27am
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 27 Apr 2008 at 2:16am
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How
many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each
one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get
you through intimacy".

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes".


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 28 Apr 2008 at 5:43pm
 Fred.jpg

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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 1:45pm
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an
old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, ' My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, ' Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
' My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, ' My face is cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up.'
 He did and warmed his face.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, ' My penis is frozen stiff.'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, ' Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...! Why do you ask? '
The daughter replies:
' They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they? '
 


Posted By: Ad nauseous
Date Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 3:00pm
Okay this is a pretty lame one I came up with myself:

Question: Why do ancient Egyptians go crazy at sports games?

Answer: Because the spectators are screaming: "Ra Ra Ra!!!"

LOL


-------------
One good thing about TV-you could always turn it off


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 3:09pm
Tut, Tut, Tut...


Posted By: Skerlnik
Date Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 6:29pm
Q:  What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
 
A:  Kinky, you use a feather. Perverted, you use the whole chicken.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 30 Apr 2008 at 2:03am
Two old guys, one 84 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench

one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.

The 84 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina
and asked him what he did to
have so much energy. The 87 year old said
"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 84
year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if
he needed any help He said, "Do you have any rye
bread?" She said,
 
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5
loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody
in the world knows about this sh*t
but me."


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 01 May 2008 at 1:21am
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 05 May 2008 at 1:04am
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes sh*tting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of soap and went to work.

You ****ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that sh*t again.

****ing Pringle bastards.


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 05 May 2008 at 1:18am
Tiz,

No surprise that Proctor and Gamble make Pringles....

Their  headquarters are  in Cincy and you can smell them making those things for miles.

And thanks for all the "visuals".


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 06 May 2008 at 12:37am
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."


Posted By: Skerlnik
Date Posted: 06 May 2008 at 12:40am
Here's one that I made up when I was about six or seven:
 
Q: What snakes are installed on every car made in Transylvania?
 
A:  The Vindshield Vipers.
 
 


-------------
"Oh, bother", said Pooh, as he chambered another round...


Posted By: LOL1955
Date Posted: 06 May 2008 at 2:46am
Originally posted by Skerlnik Skerlnik wrote:

Here's one that I made up when I was about six or seven:
 
Q: What snakes are installed on every car made in Transylvania?
 
A:  The Vindshield Vipers.
 
 
Skerl, I want to show you my gratitude for that joke, but all I can come up with is, "Fangs alot!" LOLLOLLOL


-------------
Love endures all.


Posted By: kat
Date Posted: 06 May 2008 at 2:47am
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
 
 
 
 
A: Fsh!
 
 
 
 
 
Q: What did the fish say when its bowl had a leak?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A: "Dam."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A: To get to the other slide!


-------------
madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 16 May 2008 at 1:01am
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian
                  gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
                       bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a
                  spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to
                    the point where he led her back to his apartment
                    and, after some small talk, they retired to his
                   bedroom   where he rattled her senseless.  After a
                   pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
                                            'So, you finish?'

                  She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

                   Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling
                    resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
                     there were screams of passion. The sex finally
                     ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
                                        finish?'

                  Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
                     cuddled closer to  him and softly said, 'No.'

                   Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
                  woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
                   again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
                     managed it, but they ended together screaming,
                      bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

                  Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
                    able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
                     smiled proudly and asked again,  'You finish?'

                  Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
                             in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 20 May 2008 at 12:41am
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments" answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her ten times.
 


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 23 May 2008 at 1:01am
When Chicago resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently,thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That, at least, is the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Chicago police said, 'It looked similar to high grade cocaine.They probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister,Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch-taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 25 May 2008 at 1:05am
The Empire Strikes Back
 
http://www.liveleak.com/e/afd_1209858875 - http://www.liveleak.com/e/afd_1209858875


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 28 May 2008 at 1:31am
Over heard while in surgery.
 
 
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again?

9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


Posted By: ForumAdmin
Date Posted: 28 May 2008 at 8:58pm
Originally posted by Tiz Tiz wrote:

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal...

I know, I'll just sit down and read the ol' joke thread while I eat my lunch.

f**ker!


Posted By: Skerlnik
Date Posted: 30 May 2008 at 1:02am
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged Woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of  my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
 
The married Woman:  I sent the kids to my mother's house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'


-------------
"Oh, bother", said Pooh, as he chambered another round...


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 30 May 2008 at 1:49am
Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'  The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,  'Take what you want.' The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!' The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.' He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.'  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'  The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'


Posted By: kat
Date Posted: 30 May 2008 at 1:55am
Originally posted by Tiz Tiz wrote:

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes sh*tting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of soap and went to work.

You ****ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that sh*t again.

****ing Pringle bastards.

Oh, that's a regular knee-slapper, Tiz!
Dead


-------------
madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 30 May 2008 at 8:42pm
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
 
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
 
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
 
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
 
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
 
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet
now.'


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 06 Jun 2008 at 12:42am
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'


Posted By: ForumAdmin
Date Posted: 06 Jun 2008 at 9:31pm
Someone post that joke about the old ladies reminiscing about the pickle barrel.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 08 Jun 2008 at 1:42am

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."Embarrassed



Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 08 Jun 2008 at 7:08am
(from MissyD moments ago - she got it from a move)
 
What do you call 1 black guy being chased by 20 white guys?
 
The PGA (Professional Golf Association) Tour
 
(any questions, think Tiger Woods)
 
 
 
 
 
 


-------------
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: jeroboam
Date Posted: 10 Jun 2008 at 7:00pm
A guy is sitting watching tv when there is a knock at his door.
He goes to answer it and there at the door is a snail.
"HEY! I want to tell you something!", says the snail.
Then the guy picks up the snail and says, "Get the hell outta here!" and throws the snail down the road.

Two weeks later, another knock at the door.
The guy opens it and the snails all, "WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"


I don't care how lame that joke is.. I love it.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 10 Jun 2008 at 7:27pm
Gynecologist Visit


A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.


After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'


'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'


'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?',
he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'?

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.'Shocked


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 10 Jun 2008 at 7:46pm
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 11 Jun 2008 at 12:17pm
10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people won't admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people won't admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son..
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. 'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people won't admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red (Kool Aid) is not a flavor, Red is a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.


-------------
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 12 Jun 2008 at 1:06am
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.? I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.? What does
your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.Approve


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 13 Jun 2008 at 2:15am
An 80 year old lady is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over...
The Officer asks for her License, Insurance, and registration to which she replied "I lost my license 10 years ago for excessive D.U.I.s, Insurance I am not sure about because I Stole this car after I killed the owner and cut her up. She is in the trunk if you want to see." The officer has her get out and calls for back-up.

The old lady is with the Detective, and He says " My officer tells me that you have no license" The lady pulls it out and hands it to him saying "I don't Know why he would say that.?." The detective runs the license, it comes back fine. The detective says "My officer tells me that you stole this car." The lady pulls out her registration saying "That is odd, I have the registration here."
The detective runs it, it comes back fine. The detective says " I really hate to bring this up now, but my officer said that you have a body in the trunk." The old lady says" Oh my" and hands the detective the keys. They open the trunk and find nothing. The old lady looks at the detective and says " I bet that Liar told you that I was speeding too."Tongue


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 14 Jun 2008 at 12:28am
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 14 Jun 2008 at 1:34am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_A_E2renNE&NR=1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_A_E2renNE&NR=1


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 14 Jun 2008 at 1:48am
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?Embarrassed


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 14 Jun 2008 at 9:21pm
Coyote V. Acme
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering causes as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts of all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard to violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1 Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2 Sooty discoloration.
3 Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4 Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5 Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We now come to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunciton. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of his chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the woon-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head of forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughtly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues---a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the comsumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directory, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.


Ian Frazier, The New Yorker, February 26, 1990, p. 42--43.



Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 2:10am
A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this"
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00


Posted By: musicman
Date Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 4:39am
The Three-legged Pig


A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, what's with your pig with only 3 legs?
Well preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, I'm working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.
Well that's very commentable says the preacher..but..
That's not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.
I understand says the preacher, but that still doesn't explain the missing leg!
Well like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 15 Jun 2008 at 9:37pm
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in h*ll and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to h*ll. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in h*ll and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in h*ll."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to h*ll.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 18 Jun 2008 at 1:39am
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.  Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to 
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she 
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him (Women can be so cruel to their own young. What she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
 


Posted By: CatWoman
Date Posted: 21 Jun 2008 at 12:39am
An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a
doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor
proudly.

The moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies
the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice
car, all right...But I'll stick with my moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks
himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to
250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph .

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still
alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'



-------------



Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 22 Jun 2008 at 9:37pm
http://gv1jow.blu.livefilestore.com/y1p-7q_gRmT6Nxj7NEX4xFRO1_A3okrfclQK0JJH_71TFshGt5lTfm6k-LsnuwgUiLiVCK8zJBCihXm947DsrcJfOEFn0CsygbG/Willie%20P.%20Richardson%20-%20Frozen%20Wife.mp3?download">


Posted By: FaithSF
Date Posted: 23 Jun 2008 at 6:43am
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."  The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number.  If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

 DJ:  HEY!  This is Edgar on WBAM.  Do you know "Mate Match"?

 Contestant:  (laughing) Yes I do.

 DJ:  What is your name?  First only please.

 Contestant:  Brian

 DJ: Are you married or what, Brian?

 Brian: Yes.

 DJ:  "Yes"?  Does this mean your are married? or what?  Brian?

 Brian:  (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

 DJ: Thank you, Brian.  OK, now, what is your wife's name?  First only please, Brian.

 Brian: Sara.

 DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

 Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 DJ: Stay with me here Brian!  Is she at work?

 Brian:  (laughing) Yes she is.

 DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

 Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 DJ:  BRIAN!  Stay with me here, man.

 Brian: About eight o'clock this morning.

 DJ: Atta boy.

 Brian:  (laughing sheepishly) Well....

 DJ Number 2: How long did it last?

 Brian: About ten minutes.

 DJ: Wow!  You really want that trip, huh?  No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

 Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

 DJ: OK.  Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

 Brian:  (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

 DJ: This sounds good, Brian......where was it?

Okay, this is kind of long, and definitely X-rated:


Brian: Not that it was all that great. just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

 DJ:  Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

 Brian: On the kitchen table.

 DJ:  "Not that great"?  That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it.  Anyway (to audience), I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

 While you listen to this.

 (Advertisements)

 DJ:  (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)

 Clerk: Kinko's.

 DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

 Clerk: This is she.

 DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM.  I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now

Sara:  (laughing) A couple of hours?

 DJ: Well, a while anyway.  He is also on the line with us.  Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

 Sara:  No

 DJ: Good.

 Brian:   (laughing)

 Sara:  (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

 Brian: (laughing)  Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

 Sara: Oh, Brian.

 DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense.  This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play.  Get it, Sara?  SARA! GET IT?  Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara.....helloooooo......anyone home?!?!

 Sara:  (laughing hard) YES, yes.

 Brian:  (laughing)

 DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

 Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work.

 DJ: What time?

 Sara: About eight I think.

 (sound effect) DING  DING  DING

 DJ: Very good.  Next question: How long did it last?

 Sara:  Twelve, fifteen minutes maybe.

 DJ:  hhmmmmm -Background voice in studio: That's close enough.  I am not out to harm his manhood.

 DJ:  Well, we will give you that one.  Last question:  Where did you do it?

 Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!  You did not tell them, did you?!?!

 Brian: Just tell him, honey.

 DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

 Sara: Well It's just...just that my mom is vacationing with us and..

 DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

 Sara:  BRIAN?!?!

 Brian: NO, no I didn't.

 DJ: Ease up there, sister.  Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

 Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.

 Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida.

 DJ: Let's go, Sara we ain't got all day.  Where did you do it?

 Sara: In the ass.

 (long pause)

 DJ: We will be right back.

 (advertisements)

 DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen.  This is live radio and these things do happen.  Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.



Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 12:35am
Anyone up for a game of http://domania.us/FramerT/misc.2/pingpong.mpg - pingpong.
Tongue


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 26 Jun 2008 at 1:01am
http://gv1jow.blu.livefilestore.com/y1p8s4B8PrYJvo3IrhkYX0mUv3HlI4yUpd3iZ8ygcUujUEZ3xkSEV2Gc_k0Z71Xu-GYYHsN2zcUq-oh9Nhp3ff27A/Farting%20in%20a%20womens%20toilet.wmv?download">


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 28 Jun 2008 at 8:05pm
http://gv1jow.blu.livefilestore.com/y1pG80zd_Qy7c7UDUxWPbjZlSQNyGoDiRv5c8iLUE_gOcDi91TS1tXFgYT8ONpVHBmv2UZf7jVKMa-vHuOs0ebz8A/RCCooler.wmv?download">
 
.....brilliant.Wink


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 3:15am
 I lie awake waiting for you.
 As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,
 I feel this strong urge to grab you and
 squeeze you, because I can't forget last
 night. You came to me  unexpectedly
 during the balmy and calm night, and
 what happened in my bed still  leaves
 a tingling sensation in me.

 You appeared from nowhere and  shamelessly,
 without any reservations,
 you lay on my naked body.
 You sensed my indifference,
 so you applied your hungry mouth to me
 without any guilt or humiliation,
 and you nearly drove me
 crazy while you drained me.
 Finally I went to sleep.

 Today when I woke up, you were  gone.
 I searched for you but to no avail,
 only the sheets bore witness to last  night's events.
 My body still bears faint marks of your
 enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
 Tonight I will remain awake waiting for  you...


 ....you f*ckig  mosquito.


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 03 Jul 2008 at 1:02am
http://gv1jow.blu.livefilestore.com/y1pITgX9EleYDwT7xIU1C_8BIZq6cJh0EZBDBr9-oY1V9IlhpLLsUigWfdQTCvvOWms-aZ_T-92BVrHuAzRicR6BA/beerdiet.wmv?download">


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 09 Jul 2008 at 2:40am
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 1:45am
Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I meant what is the foundation of this case?
It's made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom.. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:09pm
The Cowboy....

  A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

  Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

  She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.  He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

  For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town  and kick up your heels.'  The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

  One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around Two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

  She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
  Trembling, he did as she directed.
  'Now take off my boots.'
  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
  'Now take off my socks.'
  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
  'Now take off my skirt.'
  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
  'Now take off my bra.'
  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

  Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'



-------------
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Jul 2008 at 3:51pm

THERE
ARE

TWO
BASIC TYPES OF YOGA



YOGA
FROM
INDIA


YogaIndia.jpg

AND


YOGA
FROM
ALABAMA

YogaAlabama.jpg




-------------
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Wild Starchild
Date Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 9:16pm
 A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
 
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
 
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
 
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
 
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal Miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'


-------------
AW DAMN!!!! Wild Shot the friggin TV again!!!


Posted By: Nautigal
Date Posted: 02 Aug 2008 at 6:55am

The Gerbil Incident

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.


Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."


At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


Editorial comments:


Ok, here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:


"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!


"So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.


That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.


Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."


People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.


People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."


"First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy sh*t after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.


People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."


What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?


This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 09 Aug 2008 at 8:32pm
Who's your best friend?

An experiment that will dispel all rumors.......

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you......
 


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 09 Aug 2008 at 9:39pm
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 10 Aug 2008 at 1:13am
One day a liberal and a conservative were walking through the trees under a bridge
when they saw some rabbit turds.

The liberal asked, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the conservative. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter".

So the liberal ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the conservative, ''you're getting smarter already.''



Posted By: britastar
Date Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 3:42am

Today's Ebonic word is "omelette".  Let's use it in a sentence:  "I shoulda slapped the f**k out your azz, but omelette that sh*t slide."

LOL
Hi y'all!


-------------
ilikestupidadssoshutup-MrsHill   



Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 3:45am
Look who's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clap
 
Omelette everyone know!!!!!!!  LOL
 
 
 
 
 


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: britastar
Date Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 4:02am

LOL....!!!!!!!  That is great Jimbo...omelette everyone know!!!!  LOOl...for some reason, that was the funniest joke I've heard in a long time. 

 
Aww shucks now....no big TOO-DOO!!!

Embarrassed  nice to know i be missed..........................

 


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ilikestupidadssoshutup-MrsHill   



Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 16 Oct 2008 at 4:04am
brit,

Eggsactly you been missed!


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 17 Oct 2008 at 12:32am

You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The
- Blue Book value of your - truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
- night .

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your
- card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 18 Oct 2008 at 12:24am


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2008 at 3:49pm
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
 
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: britastar
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2008 at 3:50pm
LOL

-------------
ilikestupidadssoshutup-MrsHill   



Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 22 Oct 2008 at 2:33am
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the  side of the swamp near

       the Ottawa river. The smaller one turned to the  bigger one and said,

       'I can't

       understand how you can be so much bigger than  me.

       We're the same age

       and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get

       it.'

       'Well,' said the big Crock, 'what have you been

        eating?'



       'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small

       'Crock.



       'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'



       'Down the other side  of the swamp near the parking lot

       by the

       Parliament Buildings.'

       'Same  here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

      'Well, I crawl up under one of their  Lexus cars and

       wait for one to

       unlock the car door.



       Then I jump out, grab  them by the leg, shake the sh*t out

       of them and

       eat 'em!'

       'Ah!' says  the big Crocodile, 'I think I see

       your problem. You're not

       getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish

       shaking the

       sh*t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an

       asshole and a

       briefcase.'


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 29 Oct 2008 at 12:55am
    Church Bulletin -

The Fasting & Prayer Conference 

includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight:   'Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands. 

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care  much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off -
let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang
'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the  congregation.


For those of you who have children and

don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the  choir.
They need all the help they can get. 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:

'Break Forth Into Joy.'


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were  married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday  evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some  older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled .

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off  clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on  Friday  afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies  of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.

The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use double door at the side entrance .


Posted By: Skerlnik
Date Posted: 29 Oct 2008 at 3:00am
If you know anything about anime (and I don't), you might find this amusing:
 
http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Findex.htm - The Animé Café - Café Latté
Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
  • First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
  • Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
  • First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
  • First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
  • Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
  • Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.

Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....

Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_24.htm - Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
  • First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
  • Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
Law of Mandibular Proportionality
(from A. Hicks)
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_26.htm - Law of Feline Mutation
(from A. Hicks)
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
  1. be female,
  2. will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation,
  3. and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
Law of Conservation of Firepower
(from Tom Williams)
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

Law of Technological User-Benevolence
(from Tom Williams)
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

Law of Melee Luminescence
(from Tom Williams)
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
(from Tom Williams)
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_31.htm - Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
(from Spellweaver)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_34.htm - Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
  • First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
  • Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

Law of Quitupular Aggultination
(from Daniel Mikula)
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
  1. The Hero/Leader
  2. His girlfriend
  3. His Best Friend/Rival
  4. A Hulking Brute
  5. A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
  1. Extreme Coolness
  2. Amazing intelligence
  3. Incredible Irritation
http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_37.htm - Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
(from Jason Bustard)
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
  • First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_38.htm - Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
  • First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
Law of Nasal Sanguination
(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

Law of Xylolaceration
(from Lyndon Harris)
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
(from Erin Alia)
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.

Law of Nominative Clamovocation
(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
(from R. A. Hubby)
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abcb.com%2Flaws%2Flaw_46.htm - Law of Flimsy Incognition
(from Conrad Knauer)
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
__________________


Posted By: Skerlnik
Date Posted: 29 Oct 2008 at 8:24pm

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world:

 

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
  7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
  8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
  17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
  20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
  26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
  27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
  31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.
  34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
  35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
  37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
  38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
  40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
  42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
  43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.
  44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
  45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
  46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.
  47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
  50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
  51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
  52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  53. If the hot friend of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
  54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
  55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
  56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
  57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
  58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
  59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
  60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
  61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
  62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
  64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
  65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
  66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
  67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
  69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
  70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
  73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
  76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
  77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
  78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
  79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
  80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
  83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
  85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
  86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
  87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
  88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
  89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
  90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
  91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
  92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
  93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
  94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
  95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
  96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
  98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
  99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
  100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 31 Oct 2008 at 2:45am
An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, ye had a pants wearin female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against another lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, & is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, ye have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' prefix, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ye lads thinkin over there???
 


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 31 Oct 2008 at 1:19pm
You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 11 Nov 2008 at 4:39am
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
 
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could do any damage with the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

 


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 14 Nov 2008 at 12:12am
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 14 Nov 2008 at 1:20pm
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,

WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING

SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP

STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS

MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY

ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG

WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE

EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN

MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT

DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS

IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE

BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING OUT OF 

HER BUTT CRACK.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT

HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK

AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!



-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 16 Nov 2008 at 12:38am
 
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"



Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 17 Nov 2008 at 4:01pm

I was at my bank last Friday. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me - an elderly Asian woman who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. 

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . 

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?' 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.' 

So the Asian lady gives him the finger & replies...

"Well fluct-chu Americans, too then!!!!"
 
 


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 20 Nov 2008 at 9:10pm
Digital TV made easy.
 
 
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFuMO9oazwQ - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFuMO9oazwQ


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 20 Nov 2008 at 9:13pm
One day around Christmas time, an Avon lady was soliciting her products in an apartment building. She had just got on the elevator to go to the top floor when she had an overwhelming urge to fart. Seeing as how there was no one else in the elevator she decided to let it rip. It was the most intensely disgusting fart she had ever smelled. She quickly sprayed a new pine scented air freshener with the intent of covering up the smell of the fart. An older lady got on at the next floor, turned very red in the face and quickly got off on the next floor, so she decided to spray a little more of the air freshener. Two floors later a drunk man got on but did not seem overly distracted by the smell. She took the oppurtunity to advertise her product. She said, "Excuse me sir, but I’d like to ask you what you think of our new line of Christmas Scent air fresheners?" He sniffed the air intensely, hiccuped, and said "Smells to me like somebody sh*t a Christmas tree."


Posted By: Grant
Date Posted: 20 Nov 2008 at 11:07pm
I don't know if any of you have heard this one, but here it is.
A priest was golfing with a friend of his. The other man missed a very easy putt, and said "Dammit! Missed the ---- !"
The priest said "You shouldn't talk like that. God might punish you."
His friend apologized, but a little later he missed another easy putt, and said "Dammit! Missed the ---- !"
The priest said "You really shouldn't say that. God hears you."
His friend apologized again, but when he missed another easy one, he said "Dammit! Misssed the ---- !"
Just then lightning came down from the sky, and instead of hitting him, it hit the priest. A voice from the sky said "Dammit! Missed the ---- !"


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2008 at 1:27am
Comments OK'd only at Thanksgiving.
...................................................................................
10. Talk about a huge breast!

9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

7. That's one terrific spread!

6. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

4. Don't play with your meat.

3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

2. How long will it take after you stick it in?

And the Number #1 thing you can only say on Thanksgiving....

1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.



Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2008 at 1:59am
Tiz,

I look so forward to your submissions to the joke thread!  LOL


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 26 Nov 2008 at 2:55am
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have
a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is
very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says.
'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
costume party.'


-------------
...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States


Posted By: Hootman
Date Posted: 26 Nov 2008 at 4:07am
Yours are good too, Jimbo!  LOL


Posted By: jerkylips
Date Posted: 26 Nov 2008 at 10:40pm
ok, my turn..
 
A man goes to confession..
 
forgive me father, for I have sinned.  I was out golfing yesterday, and I swore.  In fact, I used the Lord's name in vain.
 
Tell me what happened, my son...
 
Well, I hit my drive on the first tee, & it was the best shot I had hit all season.  Straight down the middle of the fairway, and going to be 300 yards.  About a hundred yards out, the ball hit a power line, & fell straight to the ground.
 
And that's when you swore?
 
No.  Just after the ball landed, a squirrel ran up, took the ball in his mouth, & ran off.
 
And that's when you swore?
 
No.  As the squirrel was running off, a hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel, & flew off.
 
And that's when you swore?
 
No.  As the hawk was flying away, the squirrel dropped the golf ball.  It landed on the green, about 3 feet from the hole.
 
You missed the F---ing putt, didn't you?


Posted By: Tiz
Date Posted: 27 Nov 2008 at 11:57pm
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest
said,** 'Sister, this is a Silent Monastery. You are welcome here as
long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

She lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two
words.'

Sister Mary Katherine thought for a moment and said, 'Hard Bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the priest said. 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called in by the
priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister ' he said.

'Cold Food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. He said, 'You may say two words today.'

'I'M LEAVING,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the priest. 'You've done nothing but BITCH
since you got here!'



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