FakeChecks.org Bringing me out of retirement is this unbelievably crappy ad I found yesterday. I just bought my wife a subscription to People, so there should be a lot of real stupid print ads in our future. "He is a foreign lottery official and you have won!" Oh yes, be terrified of this fresh-faced white kid. Look, he has tattoos! Ooooo, scary. Please. He could be me - except he's so young he doesn't have even a trace of stubble on his clean pink flesh. Heaven forbid they should show the pitch-black Nigerian guy who actually e-mails these lottery scams from a corrugated plastic shack in Africa. I saw it all on Dateline. Definitely no little white teenagers involved, folks. But we wouldn't want to accuse the sponsors of People Magazine of being racist, would we? People Magazine, who goes on high alert anytime a white woman goes missing. "Hold the presses! She's white!" I can't believe someone even feels the need to advertise that those foreign lotto e-mails are a scam. How could someone not figure that out in negative 5 seconds? Let the dumb-asses find out for themselves, I say. If you give money to some random-ass stranger who e-mails you in broken English, you don't deserve to have any money.

 

SpaghettiOs I've seen some stupid unrealistic crap in ads before. The ad for Post Blueberry Morning Cereal shows a woman sitting in a tree eating a bowl of cereal. How'd she get up there? It makes no sense. But this ad tops everything, doesn't it? A kid. In the pool. With a bowl of SpaghettiOs. And the CAN. How the kid gonna eat if he's holding the can in one hand? You figure it out. Check out the splash. Did the kid FALL into the innertube holding the bowl, spoon and can? He doesn't seem to mind that hot SpaghettiOs are about to scald his arms and chest. Maybe someone (his mom, maybe?) handed him the bowl of SpaghettiOs AFTER he got in the pool. And then gave him the can. But doesn't mom ALWAYS make you wait an hour after you eat before you can get in the pool? Maybe his frozen grimace is one of pure terror, a look that says "Help! I've got a cramp, I'm falling out of my innertube, and I'm spilling hot Spaghettios all over myself!"

Dasani What a fantastic way to advertise your product. By showing people WASTING it! Fuck you if this is what you do with a two-dollar bottle of water. Another thing I despise about this ad is that it shows liquid doing something that liquid doesn't do. The horizon is clearly visible in the background, so the water should be falling straight down, not spraying like a hose from the bottle.

Snapple Kiwi Tea I'm floored at how lame and offensive this is. Snapple's TV ads with bottles dressed up like little people is only slightly obnoxious. Dressing a snapple bottle as LL Cool J, that's something else! (top right) They might as well make it a Watermelon flavored Snapple and replace the boom box with a chicken leg.

Doral cigarettes Imagine getting more... cancer! There are way too many things wrong with this ad. I suppose we, the readers are to imagine ourselves as the cat. Getting more. And Doral cigarettes are the mice? How about these enormous mouse holes? Any mouse that could chew holes like that in your baseboards could do the same to your cat. Imagine Getting Eaten. Finally, I'd like to point out the pathetic weblink at the bottom for www.SmokersWelcome.com . Smokers are welcome on my site anytime. Because I can't smell you.

Ensure Okay, we have seen splashing liquid in ads before, but this is way out of control. Try Delicious Ensure Shakes. How about, try shaking it before you pour it in the glass! Good lord! What is is this, the Log Jamboree?

Sundown Vitamins It amazes me every time I see an ad like this, just because I know how many people actually sign off on it before it goes to print. This is so dumb and generic, (not to mention downright bizarre) I couldn't just let it slide. This is 2003, people. We are better than this.

New Line Infinifilm DVD Go beyond the movie... ...with fully-loaded infinifilm DVDs! Uh, can you find the good movie in this picture? (hint: top right) I can't wait for the fully-loaded version of 15 minutes! Apparently this is the new deluxe line of movies people don't like.