Subject: Commercials I Hate
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001 16:43:02 -0600
From: "melissa"
To: <nathan @ commercialsihate.com>

Nathan,

I came across your Commercials I Hate website about a year ago. Needless to say I thought it was brilliant. So anyway, I was looking at the site today because I came across the bookmark and I
started perusing it and your resume, etc. and it has occurred to me that you are just too cute for your own good. I mean really- let's face it-- I consider it more than a mere coincidence, our being so
intimate and corresponding like this. We've grown so close in the 15 seconds it has taken you to read this thus far.

But alas, I fear it can never be-- I'm in Dallas, and you're in California I know what you're going to say- "But we can visit on the weekends We can talk on the phone every day" But Nathan,
we both know that kind of long-distance torture is only going to hurt what we have built in the long run. And need I remind you of our religious backgrounds You're Jewish, and I'm Catholic
Would we forever resent each other if one of us had to convert? I know, I know-- I'm sure that alone is enough of an obstacle to keep us apart.

OH I can't take this torment anymore. Can we get back together? Give me another chance .

The ache in my heart can only be expressed through this Boys II Men song:

Girl you know we belong together
I have no time for you to be playing with my heart like this
You'll be mine forever baby, you just see

We belong together
And you that I'm right
Why do you play with my heart
Why do you play with my mind?

Said we'd be forever
Said it'd never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye?

When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
Girl each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head oh I'd rather be dead
Spinnin' around and around

Chorus
Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before
It's only your first time

Maybe I'll forgive you
Maybe you'll try
We should be happy together
Forever, you and I

Can you love me again like you loved me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don't let me down

Chorus

(Mike's Monologue)
Girl I'm here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it, I just didn't care
You just don't understand how much I love you do you?
I'm here for you

I'm not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but that's all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And I'm still gonna be here for you 'till my dying day baby
Right now, I'm just in so much pain baby
'Cause you just won't come back to me
Will you? Just come back to me

(Lonely)
Yes baby my heart is lonely
(Lonely)
My heart hurts baby
(Lonely)
'Cause I feel pain too
Baby please

This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don't let me go

Chorus

Chorus (A Cappella)

Don't leave me hanging like this Nathan.

Oh and I've attached a really funny print ad I found in a British chick magazine.

There's not really much I can say as far as general comments go, but I will say that MOST HEALTHY, CLEAN WOMEN DO NOT GET FUNKY WHITISH DISCHARGE IN THEIR
KNICKERS. IT IS NOT NORMAL.

Thank you.

Subject: awwww come on
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 14:10:32 -0500
From: "melissa"
To: <nathan @ commercialsihate.com>

Just to let you know, it was NOT me who sent the anonymous letter asking about my letter. What is up with all this he said/she said bidness? Gossip will only tear us apart.

Subject: Re: awwww come on
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 16:29:20 -0500
From: Nathan Alexander
To: melissa

ok I'll fix it. you're funny

Subject: Re: awwww come on
Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 03:04:51 -0000
From: "Melissa "
To: nathan @ commercialsihate.com

You're moving too fast for me Nathan.
Baby, can't we take it slow?

Yours truly,
Melissa Alexander
(Sorry, I took it back up a notch there)

Subject: Oh yes, it is me.
Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 00:11:27 -0500
From: "Melissa ."
To: nathan @ commercialsihate.com

Nate,
Hello. I know you have been wondering where I have been, and for that I apologize. It seems my gypsy lifestyle has me always on-the-go. But never forget that wherever I am and whatever I may be doing, my thoughts are always with you. Like for instance, just yesterday I was recalling that time we spent in Paris... . I will never forget that little cafe and the waiter... what was his name... Jean Luc. God, they are such sweet, sweet memories. Or the time we worked with those deaf children? And how being around those kids who couldn't hear... how it made us realize how fortunate we were to have each other... and to hear. I will forever cherish those memories and what we had. I know you think about me too, Nathan. I know this. One day soon, we will meet again. Expect to hear from me soon, and sleep tight knowing this.
Yours always,
~Melissa~

Ah, back in the day. Remember when you could go to the airport and visit people who were there for a layover? Like relatives or friends, or let's say you're my stalker and I happen to be passing through the airport in your town...

On the message board I announced that I would have a one hour layover in Dallas and I publicly dared Melissa to meet my plane. She did.

From: Nathan Alexander
To: Melissa .
Sent: Monday, May 28, 2001 10:34 PM
Subject: Flight Info

I will be on Delta flight 920, arriving at DFW at 11:45am on Wednesday.
My flight to Austin leaves DFW at 12:50.

If you bring a camera, I'll post the pics on the site.

Nathan
Commercials I Hate

ps. You'll recognize me. I'm the spiky head Jew.

Subject: Re: Flight Info
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 11:04:02 -0500
From: "melissa"
To: Nathan Alexander

Perfect. Just in case, I'll be holding a sign that says "JEW". Believe it or not, the only picture I could find of myself on my computer at work is this one.
Don't ask, just picture the "JEW" sign in hand, and a yellow rose in my lapel. Sans hat.

I would just like to say that Melissa is about 6'9".

I met her for about 10 minutes, we had a chat, and I stood on a chair to hug her good-bye.

Subject: Before I take legal action
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 16:29:41 -0500
From: "melissa"
To: "Nathan Alexander"

Hey there Darlin' (you should be used to that kind of talk by now),
How is the South treatin' ya?
On a serious note- Please stop calling me. It is getting ridiculous. I have no more room in my voicemail box for new messages. You DON'T have to let me know what you're doing every second.
Secondly, I was looking at the *new* message board today and thought that I would suggest changing the format so it shows message threads? I have such a short attention span, and since I'm blonde I get easily confused.

And please, do NOT call my cell phone either at 972-xxx-xxxx. I mean it.

-Melissa-

Subject: Please come back
Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2001 13:58:56 -0500
From: nathan @ commercialsihate.com
To: "melissa"

Melissa,

I can't tell you how difficult it's been, waiting to hear from you day after day. After all we have been through, I think you owe me just a little bit more than cold silence. What about the good times, Melissa?
Why can't you give me one more chance? I know we can make it work. Trust me, baby, why is that so hard?

Perhaps my sentiments would be better expressed in the words of this song by Brian McKnight:

I Can't Remember Why We Fell Apart
From Something That Was So Meant To Be
Forever Was The Promise In Our Hearts
Now, More And More I Wonder Where You Are
[Chorus]
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, Anytime
Do You Ever Wake Up Reaching Out For Me
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind Anytime
I Miss You
Still Have Your Picture In A Frame
Hear Your Footsteps Down The Hall
I Swear I Hear Your Voice, Driving Me Insane
How I Wish That You Would Call
To Say
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, Anytime
Do You Ever Wake Up Reaching Out For Me
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind Anytime
I Miss You
I Miss You
No More Loneliness And Heartache
No More Crying Myself To Sleep
(Don't Want No More) Wondering About Tomorrow
Won't You Come Back To Me
Come Back To Me, Oh
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, Anytime
Do You Ever Wake Up Reaching Out For Me
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind Anytime
I Miss You
I Miss You
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, Anytime
Do You Ever Wake Up Reaching Out For Me
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind Anytime
I Miss You
I Miss You
I Miss You

Please, Melissa. No more loneliness and heartache. No more crying myself to sleep. Won't you come back to me? Let's close this widening chasm that's growing between us. Please, any answer would be better than this

Achingly,

Nathan Alexander

Subject: Re: Please come back
Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2001 14:42:47 -0600
From: "melissa"
To: nathan @ commercialsihate.com

Nathan,
I can only reply to you via this cryptic excerpt from Da Brat's rebuttal to R. Kelly's incessant hounding of her whereabouts in the song entitled, "Runnin' Outta Time":

Shit all I ever did was wait and look out the window
And smoke me some endo
It drove me to drinkin' and getting bent mo'
Gave myself 100% more time to think
Was love designed to stink?
Repeatedly you lied to me
Told you to confide in me
Ain't nothin' them other hoes could do
Cause I molded you
To fit properly was inside of me
When you're strokin' them
You're thinkin' of riding me
And most of them hopin' to slide with me
Cause I'm a ferocious hoe
When it comes to freaky shit the dopest
You had to blow this
It's all out of proportion and lost your focus
Wasting my time cause I'm just getting older
You're the reason I keep a chip on my shoulder
44 in the holster bulletproof vest under my clothes
I'm supposed to trust you
Every time I leave town I bust you, fuck you
The moaning and groaning
Led me to the pillow where you laid you head
Felt like I'd rather be dead instead
Went ahead followed the sound through the hallway
You said you'd always be true
But the neighbors say the bitch was there all day with you
That's why you ain't answered when I was paging you
I hit the door, you duck and dove
She tried to find her clothes
Y'all was dodging bullets holes together
You gonna stay with that broke hefer
You know who the So So Defest is
I ain't gotta show a motherfucker breastesses
To keep 'em interested in
You better recognize the good investment
From the West Side of Chi nigga

I hurt too, you know,
Melissa.

In April 2002 I sent Melissa my "Body For Life" pictures. Hell, I sent them to everyone I'd ever met. I'm not sure why I didn't realize how hilarious they are.

Subject: Re: Before and After
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 18:12:46 -0500
From: "melissa"
To: nathan @ commercialsihate.com

Wow... I don't really know what to say about that... . Did you shave your legs?

I almost deleted this because it went to my Junk mail folder, and I saw it between "Adult Spring Break Flashers!" and "Imagine Yourself Debt-Free!" in the list.

I myself have gotten shorter and fatter. I have an ingrown hair in my nether regions, and I'm a little plugged-up if you know what I mean. About to go to the tanning bed here in a minute because frankly, it hides my cellulite. Then I got suckered into working the "beer tub" at my friend's bar for the evening. Dallas (and this bar in particular) plays host to many anorexic gold-diggers and trust fund babies. I'm hoping I'll at least get my ass grabbed. "Yeah I said $4 for a beer, motherfucker... Okay, $3 for you".

I'm good though. You? Other than the obvious, of course.

In May 2003, I added the "Date Nate" page at Commercials I Hate, which basically says if you worship Jesus and wear a wrap shirt, there's no way in hell I would date you. Melissa's heartbroken response:

From: Melissa <
Date: Mon May 19, 2003 1:17:21 PM US/Pacific
To: nathan @ commercialsihate.com
Subject: Why it never would have worked.

I scored a 2.

From: Nathan Alexander
Date: Mon May 19, 2003 5:44:14 PM US/Pacific
To: Melissa
Subject: Re: Why it never would have worked.

Awww, Melissa!

How I've missed you, my darling.

How I've stared at the ceiling, night after night, wondering where you were.

How I've imagined staring up (wayyyyy up) into your eyes and pouring my heart out to you.

Even though you tower a full three feet taller than me, I've held on to this dream.

A dream that true love could level us.

How could you be so cruel as to shatter my dream into thousands of sharp pieces?

Pieces that cut me so?

This Thursday, fate will again take me through the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport.

I'm flying on Delta 1454 from Los Angeles. I'll arrive at DFW at 12:15 pm,
departing for West Palm Beach at 1:05pm.

I know that if you try to meet me as you did before, you'll be intercepted by armed guards.
You could shout and wave from beyond the metal detector,
but you would be tackled by Pinkerton security guards,
the fresh white powder from their Hostess do-nuts falling from their lapels into your flaxen hair.

The sight would be too painful to bear.

Alas my Melissa, it seems it was not meant to be.

If you have any pity in your heart, do not call my cell, 818-xxx-xxxx.

Yours,

Nathan

From: Melissa
To: Nathan Alexander
Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 12:02:12 -0500
Subject: Re: Why it never would have worked.

Nathaniel,

I am but a 2.  A TWO. II.  3-1. 

1<x<3 (what??  Like I know Algebra)

I scored a 2.  You seem to forget this.  I am no prize, but I consider myself somewhat of a catch.  But not in your eyes.  That hurts.

It's going to take some time to heal.

I also feel compelled to share with you my itinerary for the second week of June:

Mon 6/9/2003

Flight: AMERICAN AIRLINES, AA 1343

From: DALLAS FT WORTH, TX (DFW)

Departs:12:22pm

Departure Terminal: TERMINAL C

To:LONG BEACH, CA (LGB)

Arrives:1:28pm

Fri 6/13/2003

Flight: AMERICAN AIRLINES, AA 1228

From:LONG BEACH, CA (LGB)

Departs:3:58pm

To: DALLAS FT WORTH, TX (DFW)

Arrives:8:58pm

Arrival Terminal: TERMINAL C

touché.

Melissa.

From: Nathan Alexander
Date: Tue May 20, 2003 10:55:22 PM US/Pacific
To: "Melissa "
Subject: Re: Why it never would have worked

Melissa,

I am not worthy to bite the carrot of loveliness you now dangle.
You place yourself treacherously close to me this June, I fear.
I shall feel my blood warm as you approach,
the screeching tires of the airliner becoming to me as the siren's call, irresistible and perilous.

As Odysseus was lashed to his mast, unable to pursue those enchanting voices,
so each criss-crossy shirt, every Xanax, each Hail Mary pushes you beyond my reach.
My own intolerance becomes the binding that holds me fast.

Perhaps my dream girl sits this very moment,
watching My Best Friends Wedding,
breastfeeding a triplet through the open design of her criss-crossy shirt.
I may never know the warmth of her busty embrace.
And it will be my loss.

Regretfully yours,

Nathan

From: "Melissa "
Date: Wed May 21, 2003 7:56:59 PM US/Pacific
To: "Nathan Alexander"
Subject: RE: Why it never would have worked

N a t e,
Jump high, young man, and you will find the carrot close.
But I would never ask you to jump.
I think that our obstacles are all of a physical nature. I do, in fact, weigh more than you. It may only be a pound or two, but although I am a glutton for punishment (and an all-carb diet), an involvement whose biggest problem is also my biggest insecurity would be the kiss of death. Similarly, I sense that your insecurity is parallel to mine.
And it wasn't the criss-crossy shirt. I don't own such a garment. I do think however that what is worse than the criss-cross shirt is the "Tarzan" shirt- the one that just goes over one shoulder... Always worn by a girl with really unstable breasts hoisted not by a system of ropes and pulleys, but by the god awful strapless bra, thus creating a weird waist-like cinch just above the breasts themselves. But I digress.

Obstacle Number 341:
I am medicated. But don't you think that a somewhat depressed medicated girl is preferrable to the jacked up unmedicated girl? I am stablilized. But I also have never been molested, abandoned or stalked. That I am aware of.

342) I am not Jewish. We've covered that one.

343) As they say in the industry, LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

344) I'm not in "good shape". Unless the shape is pear, with a series of complex angles. I smoke. I drink. I've done drugs under peer pressure. I'm a vegeterian. My cholestrol is like, 237 or something. Really.

344a) I have a horrible ass.

345) The whole "You're passionate" prerequisite. That has a huge grey area. I am passionate about some things. I do care about doing things right, but I just don't do a lot. I am completely unmotivated. My parents didn't do a lot of cheerleading, and so as a result I am totally satisfied just "getting by". I do have fabulous taste though. "Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn't possibly have both". Okay maybe my taste isn't terriffic.

346) I don't feel the need to dress "fabulous" or show up in a "Hello Gorgeous" outfit. It's not the outfit that's going to cause you to say 'Hello gorgeous'. It's my killer ass. Oh wait, that's not it. My perky-- nevermind.

The bottom line, Nathan , is that I think your list of requirements, while totally reasonable, doesn't really weed out the bad apples. I am a good apple. You should change it up a bit. I can help.

I realize this is long-winded, but I woke up with a migraine this morning, didn't go to work and as a result have spent the entire day sleeping and watching television. I acutally watched over 45 minutes of some movie called "Good Advice" starring Charlie Sheen, Angie Harmon and Denise Richards. What the FUCK? I don't even like Charlie Sheen. My point is, the only interaction I've had today has been with the pizza delivery guy, my dog, and my cats.

Look- maybe my prince isn't a six-foot-four baseball player. Maybe your queen is actually 5'11", weighs a buck & a half, buys her criss-cross shirts at Express, totally loved "Illegally Blonde" and wears white shoes in the winter- I don't know. We don't really know anything. We'll just have to learn the hard way, I guess. I guess we'll just have to be like frustrated cousins.

Melissa