Hansen's

I have just tasted, for the first time, Diet Hansen's Ginger-Flavored Green Tea Soda.



Imagine a ginger soda, sweet, with the perfect bite of ginger.
Now imagine this delicious beverage infused with healthy green tea.
Now imagine it tasting like a handful of loose change.

My reaction upon first tasting this intriguingly heinous beverage
was surprise, then confusion.
No, I thought, this can't be right.

I sipped again. There it was, the initial hit of carbonated tea,
mixed with the unmistakable flavor of... dirty metal.
I swallowed, and was struck by the incredible aftertaste, a mixture of fish, pickles, and... band-aids.

Am I hallucinating? Did I really just purchase a garbage-flavored soda?

I took a sniff. It smells like a swingset. Outdoor chain and rubber seat.
It's what I imagine a manhole cover would smell like after a rainstorm.
Fresh and sewery.
I still can't believe it.
The next day, the can actually smells like a vagina.

The cost of this fascinating journey into nastiness was just 89 cents.
I can honestly say I've never had a more thought-provoking beverage experience
that did not involve intoxication.

I did drink the whole can.
It was like, "Whoa this is bad. Can it really be this bad? I'd better try another sip. Whoo! Nasty! No, this can't be right. I must be doing it wrong. Okay, bracing for another sip. Yowzers! Damn this is vile!" and so on.

It almost sounds like somebody tried to mix ginger ale with green tea and failed miserably.