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One day in 1997 I drank a bottle of Gatorade
Frost.
After not being able to determine the sort
of juice
that made up "Alpine Snow" flavored Gatorade,
I went to the Gatorade Website.
After all, the bottle did say that I would learn more about Gatorade
Frost on the net.
Well, on the Gatorade Frost webpage is exactly the same text
that is printed on the bottle's label. Hmmm.
I wrote Gatorade's webmaster this letter:
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I bought a bottle
of "Alpine Snow," and on the bottle it said,
"For MORE info about Gatorade Frost, visit the website"...
blah, blah blah.
So now I have visited the website to get my information about
Gatorade Frost.
I now know that it is cool, light, and crisp.
I was actually interested in finding out what FLAVORS
the new varieties of Gatorade were.
The one I tried thankfully did not taste like snow.
What is it? Grapefruit or something?
Before I try glacier-flavored Gatorade, I'd like to know exactly
what
sorts of "natural flavorings" are in there.
I look forward to a response.
Thank you very much,
Nathan Alexander.
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Two days later, I received my much-anticipated
response:
Nathan,
Thanks for visiting The Cooler Site!
Frost is a new kind of Gatorade that really cools you down.
While Frost is a new product, it still contains the same
rehydration formula that makes Gatorade the #1 sports
drink on the market.
Alpine Snow, Glacier Freeze, and Whitewater Splash are
light and crisp tasting fruit blends, with exotic tastes and
refreshing colors. These flavors are so revolutionary and
unique that common "fruit" descriptions wouldn't do
them
the justice they deserve.
Once you've tried Frost, we hope that you'll drop us a line
and let us know what you think. Your feedback is invaluable
to us. We look forward to hearing from you.
Keep drinking Gatorade!
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I'm sure you can all guess how elated I
am that Gatorade finds my feedback to be "invaluable."
I can't wait to try the new Gatorade flavors-
flavors so revolutionary that they named them after water,
ice, and snow- the three most flavorful things in nature.
I'm even more excited that something called
"Natural Flavor"
on the label actually defies description according to Gatorade.
Perhaps the dialogue at the Gatorade Lab
went something like this:
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INT. GATORADE LABORATORY -
DAY
BOB
Bob, come here. What the hell does this taste like?
KEN
Well, Ken, I couldn't tell you exactly.
Beats the crap out of me.
BOB
I was thinking it sort of tastes like a melted icicle.
KEN
"You mean like water."
BOB
Like water, yes, but with other little
things mixed in with it.
KEN
Why not call it 'Whitewater Splash'? It is sort of whitish.
BOB
Yes it is, but can we purport to
sell water-flavored Gatorade?
KEN
Not just any water, though, Ken. This is Gatorade Water.
BOB
I think they'll buy it. Let's do it.
And so, mindless consumerism marches
on...
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A few months later I wrote back
to Gatorade:
I wrote earlier, asking what the actual
fruit combinations are
in each flavor of Gatorade Frost.
I'm still interested in finding out, as this information is not
to be found anywhere
on the bottle or on the Gatorade Website.
This information was also not in the reply e-mail I recieved.
Yesterday, I ran a road race here in Atlanta,
and I recieved free bottles of a new
Powerade flavor called Jagged Ice.
This flavor does have something in common with Gatorade Frost,
being named after a tasteless natural
substance
that it resembles in no way except that it is wet,
but the Powerade had a very strong taste,
while the Gatorade Frost tastes very light.
However, the fundamental difference was that on the Powerade
bottle,
it says "a cool blend of Blackberry/Raspberry flavors"
while the Gatorade bottle just says that it's cool.
I look forward to a response,
and possible enlightenment as to what I've been tasting.
Sincerely,
Nathan Alexander.
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p.s.
You'll be pleased to know that the Powerade Jagged Ice turned
my fecal matter a shocking shade of green. |
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Wow, they responded to this one
really fast.
And the response was much more informative:
Nathan,
Thanks for writing in again.
We understand that it can be difficult to identify the
fruit flavors used in our Frost products. This is because
of the wide range of fruits used to flavor each of them.
If it is helpful to you, the base flavors of Alpine Snow,
Glacier Freeze, and Whitewater Splash are citrus,
strawberry, and lime, respectively.
We hope that this helps to answer your question.
Keep drinking Gatorade!
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I particularly like that last subtle hint
to not write again.
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See, even the folks at Gatorade admit having
trouble
identifying the fruit in Gatorade Frost.
Could be that lack of fruit in the ingredients list.
But...
What made them divulge their flavorful secret?
Perhaps it was my own disclosure of colorful inside information.
Maybe it's because Powerade's "Ice" clearly labels
its flavors.
Or maybe they just don't want me bothering them anymore.
 Ladies and Gentlemen... The TRUTH about Frost:
Alpine Snow = citrus
Glacier Freeze = strawberry
Whitewater Splash = lime
Now we get to the really big questions...
How do you start with a grapefruit,
and end up with snow?
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