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MrTim
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Burglar breaks into escape room, couldn't figure out how to escape; Police arrest him after he calls 911 for help
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/07/10/burglar-breaks-into-escape-room-cant-figure-out-how-to-escape.html (He only had to unlock the front door... ) |
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MrTim
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Police tell man they can't charge grizzly bear with rape "because it's not a person"; Suspicions also that "some really potent weed" may have been involved
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/colorado-man-claims-he-was-held-2-weeks-as-a-sex-slave-by-a-grizzly-bear/ |
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MrTim
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Health experts recommend that you cook your salads for safety; Vegans & vegetarians commonly have the foodborne parasite cyclospora, though more people are now catching it at fast food salad bars
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MrTim
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Mystery solved of why UFO sightings have dropped off and are now only seen in certain areas: ET's have become addicted to earth drugs and fly UFO's to drug cartel territory and rural areas with meth labs
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MrTim
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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and they do; Study shows that girls have more fun than boys, sometimes a lot more
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MrTim
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Yet another new warning label to put on products: Due to fire hazard, Don't leave water bottles in your car; Automotive arsonists cheer scientists for discovering a new untraceable method they can use
https://www.circa.com/story/2018/07/16/science/hot-water-bottles-in-cars-could-be-fire-hazard |
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MrTim
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Environmentalists going around the bend again: Demonstrations to be held at solar panel farms this summer to protest against the fracking of sunlight
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MrTim
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Majority of physicians & pharmacists disagree with Mary Poppins' medical advice; A spoonful of sugar taken with your medicine can often cause you even bigger problems
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MrTim
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Chicago declared "rat capital" of America; Citizens demanding guns for protection against vermin, say humanely trapping them for adoption is "just not working"
https://www.dailywire.com/news/33390/thanks-rahm-chicago-named-rat-capital-america-joseph-curl |
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MrTim
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Little fish-shaped orange-colored Goldfish Crackers recalled because they might contain real salmon! Corretcion: Might contain salmonella
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MrTim
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Facebook users bailing as Facebook starts to implement new facial recognition software; Facebookers will literally have to log in with their face and allow advertisers to see them without makeup & with 'morning hair'
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MrTim
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Only In Florida: Python dies after eating garden hose; 14 footer thought it was eating another snake, swallowed 50 foot hose instead
(and thus another urban legend is born... ) |
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MrTim
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Demon excorcism goes horribly wrong for all parties; Priest accidently used sugar instead of salt when making Circle of Protection, letting demon escape, but demon later died of diabetes
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MrTim
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Millenials increasingly turning to YouTube to learn how to do stuff; Many looked up videos on how to use a tape measure after not being able to make it stick
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MrTim
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Drinking beer may be making men more womanly: Hops in beer are high in photoestrogens; Health experts say to avoid hormone changes, drink the watered down swill brands, or drink your brew with a testosterone-adding egg
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MrTim
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Social Justice scolds becoming the new incarnation of Dean Wormer; Everything in Animal House offends them to no end, but they can't understand why the movie is so popular
https://legalinsurrection.com/2018/08/social-justice-warriors-have-finally-come-for-the-comedy-classic-animal-house/ |
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MrTim
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Jailhouse lawyers claim it's legal in most states to taze your own family members; At least it would be if they could rewrite the law
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MrTim
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Internet to be shut down and restricted in six weeks; Only those who can dance like Bruno Mars will be allowed access
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MrTim
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In an effort to win back viewers lost due to boycotting player protests, NFL is introducing male dancers; According to marketing studies, move is expected to appeal to as many males as females
https://fox6now.com/2018/08/07/nfls-first-male-dancers-will-hit-the-sidelines-this-season/ |
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MrTim
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"Permission? We don't need your steenkin' permission!"; Facebook wants your bank info so they can helpfully display it to you while you shop online
https://pjmedia.com/trending/facebook-brazenly-asks-banks-for-customer-bank-balances-credit-card-numbers/ |
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MrTim
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Coming soon to a store near you: Square hot dogs; Developer claims they "won't roll off the table like round ones do"
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MrTim
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Juice box industry to go out of business due to worldwide ban of plastic straws; People find that it's "nearly impossible" to poke a paper straw into the boxes
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MrTim
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Physicists discover a new atomic element that is very dense and causes slowness in other matter; The new element has been named Moron, and is only found in the brains of some people and animals
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MrTim
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Consumer spending improving economy, creating new businesses; Also, people will spend money on anything:
https://www.lostateminor.com/2018/08/08/woman-earns-50000-year-selling-luxury-chicken-diapers/ |
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MrTim
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Run on gas stations as Venezuela announces it will no longer subsidize 'free' gasoline; At current price of 1 Bolivar per gallon, one US dollar can buy you over 10,000 gallons
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