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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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PaWolf View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2014 at 5:17pm
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring nickelback
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2014 at 5:08am
Just heard from a woman who lives near Buffalo.       

She said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. 

The temperature is 12 below zero and the wind is increasing. Wind chill is -29. 

Her husband PaWolf, can do nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.                

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the SOB in.

...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2014 at 5:16am
Originally posted by Jimbo Jimbo wrote:

Just heard from a woman who lives near Buffalo.       

She said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. 

The temperature is 12 below zero and the wind is increasing. Wind chill is -29. 

Her husband PaWolf, can do nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.                

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the SOB in.

LOLLOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2014 at 5:18am
Thought you might like that joke... altered a little bit from it's original form just for you. Wink


...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2014 at 11:22pm

The aging process


A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It
was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their
bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on
the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the
house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute
girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and
fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird
special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Feb 2014 at 11:51pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Feb 2014 at 2:17am
^ Damn... I was just going to post that same joke!!!! Tongue

Sans picture, though.


...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2014 at 11:36pm
Two aliens landed in the  Arizona   desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon  and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 

 
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2014 at 10:40pm
August 15
Moved to a new home in Wisconsin . It's so beautiful here.
The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly
wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here.

October 14
Wisconsin is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and
shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw
some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most
wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE.

November 10
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal, hope it will
snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered
my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL.
Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating
exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 -
Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18 -
Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to
wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 -
Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves
and today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor
suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters
became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 -
What the f --k? Where did all of those leaves come from? A little wind last night and the lawn is covered
again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 -
It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find
everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We
went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the
driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came
by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful
place. I Love Wisconsin

December 14 -
More snow last night, I love it. The snowplow
did his trick to the driveway again.
I Love it here.

December 19 -
More snow again last night. Can't get out of the
driveway to get to work. I'm
exhausted from shoveling. F---ing snowplow.

December 22 -
More of that white sh-t fell again last night. A s if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now
I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear
gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished
shoveling the driveway. The a--hole.

December 25 -
Merry Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get
my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow. I swear
I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the
roads to melt the f---ing ice.

December 27 -
More white sh-t last night. Have been inside for
three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes
through every time. F---ing gloves got wet and then froze
on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of
frostbite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere,
car is stuck in a mountain of white sh-t. The weatherman says to expect
another 10 inches of the sh-t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full
of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 -
The f---ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white sh-t. A t this rate it won't melt 'till summer. The
plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door
and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken
six of them shoveling all the sh-t he pushed into the driveway, I
broke my last one on his f---ing head.

January 4 -
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that
ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage f---ing beast should
be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 -
Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the f---ing salt they put all
over the roads.

May 10 -
Moved to The Villages in Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that
God-forsaken state of Wisconsin.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2014 at 10:55pm
^LOL!!!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Mar 2014 at 10:16pm
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
 
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

 
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:  "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just
slid  under the table."
 
The man calmly looked up at her and said:
    ..........

    
"No, she didn't. She just
  walked in."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 May 2014 at 3:51pm
                                          
 
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in  London.  He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off  the radio because as decreed by his religious  teaching, he must not listen to music because in  the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of  the infidel. 
 

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
 
 

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing.?  "
 
 

The  cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet  there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a  camel."
 


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jul 2014 at 12:58am
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon &
eggs, toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something." How about a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he
says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat." Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to
be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." 


...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender

C'mon, man!
Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2014 at 11:02pm
A nun and a priest were on a pilgrimage crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father.
'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you now?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful!' she replied.
'Why don't you go stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2014 at 11:22pm
Yay Tiz!  Glad you're back!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Oct 2014 at 12:15am
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and figured he would leave it in the back of church, so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well Father, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou shalt not steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Oct 2014 at 12:19am
Yay Tiz!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Oct 2014 at 12:09am
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F--k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Dec 2014 at 6:07pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote aka ron Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Dec 2014 at 6:19pm
LOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Angry McPisseron Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2015 at 10:47pm
1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
 


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