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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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LORD THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER!
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Dolly married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died..
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident. Dolly again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John. Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Dolly died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:..... "I think he means her legs...." |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year" The blonde said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the new shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over so she tells him about all the trees in the road. The cop says "That's your air freshener swinging about!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde's dog goes missing and she's frantic. Her husband tells her to put an ad in the paper. She does but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you say in the ad?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the heck you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe". |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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Jenny Craig for men
A guy calls Jenny Craig and orders their 5 day - 5lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25lb. program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: If I catch you, you're mine.' He lost 31lbs that week. . . |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT "CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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The redneck from Arkansas went to the hospital as his wife was giving birth.
Upon arriving the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints." "Quints" the redneck says with an inquisitive voice, "What the heck are quints?" The nurse responds, "Five babies, all boys." The redneck sticks out his chest and says, "I'm not surprised, I have a pecker on me like a chimney." The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned............the babies are all black" |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer!
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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Redneck vacation plans:
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different ?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me." |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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Sign on the door of a local whorehouse:
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. “My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!” “Yes” she replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took
scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.” ”You won’t be needing this anymore,” he said. "So I thanked him and left.” |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory....
I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a Good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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sgtrock21
Junior Executive Joined: 18 Dec 2011 Location: Oregon Status: Offline Points: 6884 |
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It was well into the second month of summer vacation and little Johnny had rarely left the house. He was driving his mother insane with his non stop questions. She suggested that he go down the street and watch the construction project possibly learning something. When little Johnny returned about two hours later she asked if he learned anything. He replied I learned how to say "move it over a pu**sy hair"! Mom says Johnny that's disgusting! Go out back and get me a switch! Johnny replies "get it yourself"! "I aint no f**king electrician"!
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EEEEts All so REEEdEEEculous
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sgtrock21
Junior Executive Joined: 18 Dec 2011 Location: Oregon Status: Offline Points: 6884 |
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RE: Redneck etiquite: Who has right of way at a four way stop? The giant jacked-up four wheel drive pickup with a gun rack and the "Guns Don't Kill People. I Do." bumper sticker.
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EEEEts All so REEEdEEEculous
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sgtrock21
Junior Executive Joined: 18 Dec 2011 Location: Oregon Status: Offline Points: 6884 |
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A Californian guy books a vacation at a working dude ranch in Nevada. At a working dude ranch the "dudes" accompany real cowboys performing their chores. The Californian's job for the day was riding fences which involves riding horses along fence lines looking for damage. The real cowboy and the dude come upon a sheep with it's head stuck in the barbed wire fence. The cowboy shouts "ye ha. My lucky day". He swings down off his horse, drops his drawers and proceeds to have his way with the unfortunate sheep. He turns to the dude and shouts " you want some of this"? The dude replies: "Um. OK. But do I have to stick my head through the fence"?
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EEEEts All so REEEdEEEculous
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sgtrock21
Junior Executive Joined: 18 Dec 2011 Location: Oregon Status: Offline Points: 6884 |
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A BOAC (British) passenger jet lands at at Frankfurt airport (Germany) and are handed over to ground control. " BOAC 123, Frankfurt ground turn left at taxiway A-3, turn right at taxiway G-4, turn right at taxiway G-3 and proceed to your gate. " Frankfurt ground, BOAC 123 please repeat taxi instructions". "BOAC 123 Frankfurt ground somewhat irate, Have you not been to Frankfurt before"? " Frankfurt ground, BOAC 123, actually yes a few times in 1944 but it was dark and I did not land". Frankfurt ground silence....
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EEEEts All so REEEdEEEculous
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sgtrock21
Junior Executive Joined: 18 Dec 2011 Location: Oregon Status: Offline Points: 6884 |
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Just Went Click Thinking
about the yarn of the Since this
is a yarn; I thought I might as well write my own version. Rated:
PG-13 After
finishing his meal he stayed for over an hour drinking coffee until the cafe
closed at 11:00 PM. Ending a 9 1/2 hour shift the waitress only wanted to drive
home, get her shoes off and get ready for bed. She did not notice the pickup
truck following her home. As she walked from her bathroom into her bedroom 36
year old Moe Ran a twice convicted rapist recently paroled, jumped from the
shadows, punched her twice in the face, pushed her onto her bed, and jumped on
top of her. Unfortunately for Mr. Ran she was able to grab her .357 magnum
revolver from under her pillow, shove it into his chest and fire 6 times.
Understandably Mr. Ran immediately expired. During
the waitresses mandatory hearing to determine if deadly force was justified (
police officers have to go through the same thing) the young, liberal assistant
DA wanted to know why she shot poor Mr. Ran 6 times. With no hesitation the
waitress answered " cause the 7th time I pulled the trigger, it just went
click"! |
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EEEEts All so REEEdEEEculous
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Once upon a time a man came to his pastor. "I want to tithe," said the man. “I want to give 10% of my income to my church. But I’m struggling. When my income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to my church every Sunday. When I was successful in business and my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I gave $50 to my church every Sunday. But now that my income has gone to $5000 a week, I just can't bring myself to give $500 to the church every Sunday." The pastor said, "Why don't we pray over this?" and with heads bowed, the pastor began to pray: "Dear Lord, please make this man's income $500 a week again so that he can tithe..."
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Papa Lazarou
Ad Exec Formerly Codtaro Joined: 18 Nov 2011 Location: New Mexico Status: Offline Points: 7710 |
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"Get yourself to the f**king museum and clean the bastard bins on your way out!"
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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A Halloween joke: .....Bob & Betty Hill were vacationing in Europe.... near Transylvania as it happens. They were driving along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front him. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to regain control, but to no avail! They swerve and smash into a tree. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest hospital, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her
downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the
lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on
an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill expire on the operating table. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his harpsichord. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. Out of the corner of his eye, he detects a movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand begin to twitch, keeping time to the haunting music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! Then, to his astonishment, Betty and Bob both sit up straight, look around & begin to speak.... "Where are we??? How did we get here???? Who is playing that beautiful music?????" Unable to contain himself, Igor dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: (scroll down)
"Master, Master!.....The
Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!" |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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