The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Harrison Ford just told this one on Letterman....
A young guy was working at a grocery store in the produce dept. when a woman walked up to him & asked him where the broccoli was.
"I'm sorry, ma'am" he replied, "We're all out of broccoli today, but we should have some in tomorrow."
She walked away & he went back to what he was doing.
A few seconds later, he feels a tap on his shoulder & turns around.
It's the same woman & she asks him again where the broccoli was.
Once again, he explained to her that they were out of broccoli, but would probably have some the next day.
Once again, she turns away & he goes back to work.
Well, a few seconds go by & he feels a tap on his shoulder again!!!
This time when he turns around, she gets right up in his face & DEMANDS to know where the broccoli is.
Exasperated, he says to the woman.... "Ma'am, I'd like for you to indulge me for one moment..."
"Please spell "cat"... as in "catastrophic"".
"C-a-t" says the woman.
"Now spell "dog"... as in "dogmatic".
"D-o-g" says the woman.
"Now spell "fuck".... as in "broccoli"
"There IS no fuck in broccoli!!!" she exclaimed.
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!!!!" he screamed.
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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It's so hot...
How hot is it?! |
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Hootman
Revolutionary Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 8151 |
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This one's for you Pa.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale. |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Some (really crappy) one-liners:
How do crazy people find their way thru the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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What do prison inmates use to call each other?
Cell phones.
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What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef. *******************
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean & fidgets?
A nervous wreck.
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What do you get from an overly pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist minister appears and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" says the second. They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the minister and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now that is sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died." |
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Tiz
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WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" |
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insanity213
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One more question, sir. What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs and a big ass who will agree with everything I say." |
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Angry McPisseron
Honor Roll Formerly AngryMcPisseron Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Location: Fresno CA. Status: Offline Points: 13345 |
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This guy goes into a bar and sits at one end. The bartender comes over and asks, "What'll you have?" The man says, "I'll have a rum & coke, and get that douchebag at the other end of the bar whatever she wants."
The bartender cocks his head like a puppy that doesn't understand what it had just been told, and replies, "Sir, this is a clean place. This is a family place. We can't have you talking like that."
The guy again says, "I'll have a rum & coke, and get that douchebag at the other end of the bar whatever she wants."
The bartender mildly slams his fist into the bar and says, "Listen buddy, you can't spew off your toilet tongue in here -- clean it up please!"
The guy then says, "Hey, I'm thirsty and the douchebag looks thirsty too! Why don't you just take our orders?"
The bartender goes to the other end of the bar where the lady is, and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, but the gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What'll you have?"
To which the woman replies, "I'll have a vinegar and water please."
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Angry McPisseron
Honor Roll Formerly AngryMcPisseron Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Location: Fresno CA. Status: Offline Points: 13345 |
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***WARNING!!! GAY JOKES!!!***
IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY THEM, PLEASE SKIP THIS POST!!!
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Did you hear about the three gay burglars?
One ties the victim up, the second does his hair, and the third redecorates the living room!
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AIDS Jokes
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Q: What do you call a gay rock & roll group?
A: Band-AIDS Q: What do you call a f46607 in a wheelchair? A: Roll-AIDS Q: How do you get visual AIDS? A: From a nasty poke in the eye. Q: What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have AIDS? A: Your mother telling you. SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS ROLL AIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS! A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ GAY PARROT
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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my phucking perch." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota, wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME -- I haven't seen a man in more than two years!!' 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor. J 'I put drops in her eyes!! |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password… something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway....
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, nothing happens!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6.00 am. No problem."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00 am!"
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table, the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection," said the man. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco .. |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Good one, Tiz.
But actually, a "digital" ("digital" meaning via FINGER) rectal prostate exam is neither uncomfortable nor embarrassing.
I've had it done twice. The second time was by a female doctor with a young female assistant in the room.
I was completely covered, didn't have to lie down, didn't feel a thing & it was over before I knew it had begun.
So..... if you (or any other 50-plus male member) have health insurance, or can afford to pay the cost out of pocket, then by all means.....
GO HAVE IT DONE!!!!!!
I ought to take my own advice as it's been a few years now.
Anyway, sorry for injecting this bit of "seriousness" into the joke thread.
Now, back to the jokes!!!!!
(This public service announcement was brought to you by........ )
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Hootman
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I've gone to the same medical group for almost 36 years. I've seen only two doctors regularly in that time.
I've only had two digital exams...both were done by the third doctor in the group that I've only seen twice. Once was for back pain and the other was for a broken coccyx. Don't look forward to see him. |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Maybe the guy just has unusually large fingers.....
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me, "You need some tail." I turned with a confused look on my face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." |
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Tiz
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The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!" |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56917 |
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes I do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie's hearing really DOES suck doesnt it?"
The other man replies "Yes it does. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said:"My goodness, 5 loaves...By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me." |
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Tiz
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your friggin bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government and the public service sector, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses – politicians love this one. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance. 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 11. Declaring that, since the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course....a very favorite tactic in government: 13. Promoting the dead horse to asupervisory position. |
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Tiz
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After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back! |
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