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Angry McPisseron
Honor Roll Formerly AngryMcPisseron Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Location: Fresno CA. Status: Offline Points: 13345 |
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Posted: 14 Jan 2015 at 10:47pm |
1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes." |
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aka ron
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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It
was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F--k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." |
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Hootman
Revolutionary Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 8151 |
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Yay Tiz!
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After
Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and figured he would leave it in the back of church, so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well Father, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou shalt not steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." |
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Hootman
Revolutionary Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 8151 |
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Yay Tiz! Glad you're back!
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A nun and a priest were on a pilgrimage crossing the Sahara desert
on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead
without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you now?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful!' she replied. 'Why don't you go stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out of here!' |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon &
eggs, toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something." How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat." Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing.? " The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel." |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They
were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the
woman slowly sliding down her chair
and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The
waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The
waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir,
but I think your wife just
slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said:
.......... "No, she didn't. She just
walked in." |
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Hootman
Revolutionary Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 8151 |
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^LOL!!!
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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August 15
Moved to a new home in Wisconsin . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here. October 14 Wisconsin is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE. November 10 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal, hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air. November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise. November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again. November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves. November 30 - What the f --k? Where did all of those leaves come from? A little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring. December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Wisconsin December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snowplow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here. December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway to get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. F---ing snowplow. December 22 - More of that white sh-t fell again last night. A s if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The a--hole. December 25 - Merry Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow. I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f---ing ice. December 27 - More white sh-t last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. F---ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frostbite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white sh-t. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the sh-t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? December 28 - The f---ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white sh-t. A t this rate it won't melt 'till summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the sh-t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his f---ing head. January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage f---ing beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the f---ing salt they put all over the roads. May 10 - Moved to The Villages in Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Wisconsin. |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Two
aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station
that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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^ Damn... I was just going to post that same joke!!!!
Sans picture, though. |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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The aging process A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her. should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls. they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants. meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol. they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special. they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible. they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before. |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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Thought you might like that joke... altered a little bit from it's original form just for you.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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Just heard from a woman who lives near Buffalo.
She said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 12 below zero and the wind is increasing. Wind chill is -29. Her husband PaWolf, can do nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the SOB in. |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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A wife, being the romantic type, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. The typically non-romantic husband replied; “I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise." |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table. After that, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!' |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Online Points: 56918 |
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After 35 years of marriage, a
husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was,
the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years
they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured. Finally, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and
kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs -- at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish." |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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