A cop pulls over a Volkswagen
packed with 23 kids in it.
"Let me guess,..."
he says. "Stuffed French Toast down at IHOP."
Yeah, that would be my first
guess, too.
There are about 12 of these
commercials and they're all the same.
A bunch of colorful people are engaging in kooky behavior of
some sort.
A cheerful onlooker shakes his head.
"What could have gotten into those guys?"
Then it dawns on him.
Of course.
I should have known.
There is quite obviously some wacky new crepe or banana pancake
or chocolate chip omelette "down at IHOP"
with a deal so irresistible that, once exposed,
these good people had no choice but to lose their senses.
"Ah," says the enlightened
cop / coach / bus driver.
"It's got to be those stuffed French chocolate chip pineapple
popovers down at IHOP!"
Because the International House
of Pancakes is the unseen all-controlling power of the universe,
governing our behavior with each fresh and fruity special.
Apart from the enormous gaps
in logic
what really gets to me about these ads is the "Down At IHOP".
Every single commercial, "Down At IHOP"
Every time I hear it, I repeat it. Mystified. "Down At IHOP."
What makes IHOP "down"
exactly?
Is it because it's such a happenin' place?
Suppose you live downhill from the IHOP?
Then you might go "up to IHOP." Right?
Three or four kids sneak down
to the kitchen
to grab a clandestine midnight snack.
The kid is like "Shhh, don't
wake my parents... I've got Totino's..."
Yeah, so they're all makin' their
hot little Totino's rolls and whatnot.
And as soon as they start eating, the kids start yelling.
That's right. Totino's Pizza Rolls are so good, they give
you Tourettes.
The first one shouts, "Hey
this tastes like a PIZZA!"
Then this one kid yells "MINE TASTES LIKE A TACO !!!"
I mean he fucking screams it.
Yes, people. Scream at me and
I'll buy whatever you're selling.
Suddenly the hallway light turns
on.
Looks like our little brats have woken the parents.
How would you like to wake up to "Mine tastes like
a taco"?
"Run!" scream the kids,
and they flee the kitchen. Yelling.
Good one, kids. YELL A LOT and
run away.
Now, they'll never know it was you who ate the Totino's rolls.
"Today, we're doing self-portraits.
But I want you to paint your SOUL!"
Raising a power fist, the painting
instructor surveys her students.
Paint your soul, she says, and this old foxy lady clearly knows
all about soul.
She is one bas-ass headscarf-wearin
funky fresh old school soul SISTA.
This is a woman with black velvet
paintings of afro ladies in her living room.
One student in particular looks
Mighty Pleased with herself.
As she pours her soul out onto the canvas,
the wise instructor comes around to have a look.
"Oh," she says, "Now
THAT's what I'm talkin 'bout,"
as if giving the definitive answer to Arnold Drummond's oft-repeated
query.
So what did the girl paint? A
fucking Jeep.
A giant ass SUV. That's her soul.
A corporate symbol. That's HER
SOUL!
A posession. Something she owns.
Is her SOUL!
And the old bitch bought it!
"Yeah, girl, that's yo soul right there. Yo Soul is a Jeep."
This ad has been making me angry
for six months,
and I can't keep it to myself any longer!
The ad shows a young couple from
the waist down,
arguing about what's wrong with the computer and how to fix it.
Meanwhile, a toddler with a plastic hammer
uncontrollably bangs away at the mouse and keyboard.
The tyke is momentarily interrupted
by a weak and ineffective
"Sweetie, could you stop that?" from the Mother Of
The Year.
What could possibly be wrong
with the computer?
I dunno, maybe Bam Bam beat the crap out of it
while you were arguing about how to program the VCR,
yet another 3-second easy task that advertisers think we can't
perform.
Here's the kicker: by bashing
the computer's mouse, Terror Tyke
accidentally activates the AOL Computer Check-Up,
a diagnosics and repair program provided by... AOL.
Give me a break.
If you would trust the stability of your PC to America Online
then you deserve to be insulted like this.
The parents - and these, o consumer,
are meant to represent you -
finally regain awareness of their surroundings
long enough to give us a cartoony "What the...!"
Har har guffaw! Ouch, my side.
Wow, imagine. Dumb people can use AOL.
It's what they've been telling us for years, folks.
Join AOL and you too can use something
as complicated and difficult as the internet.
Taco Bell introduces a new menu
"to keep wour wallet and your stomach full".
The ads feature people exiting
Taco Bell and proclaiming, "I'm full!"
The concept itself is shameful
- we don't eat food so we can be "full".
We're supposed to eat food for sustenance, nutrition, and for
enjoyment.
Not for the feeling of our stomach walls being stetched.
Eating "to feel full"
is a psychological interaction and has nothing to do with nutrition.
Advertising that food makes you full plays to America's self-destructive
food obsession.
And just in case this insult
was too subtle for you,
Taco Bell hits us with this obnoxious Asian stereotype,
the Asian guy very clearly not yelling "I'm full,"
but rather, "Om Foh!"
I thought we were through with
this in the 80's after Long Duck Dong,
but no, the Taco Bell people still like to laugh at an Asian
who can't pronounce things.
It's an electric hair trimmer
designed for "sensitive areas".
A prominent feature of this particular
ad
is the thorny crotchial region of a woman,
illustrating the razor bumps and ingrowns
that commonly occur with other hair removal methods.
The viewer is treated to a shot of this crotch a total of four
times.
Sparking a lively discussion
on the message board,
(one writer called it "crotch-tastic", another, "camel-toe-riffic"),
the crotch sports a thick fold, leaving it up to nobody's imaginatiion
where the model's labia might be.
The ad also shows various women
shaving thier face with this thing.
This particular disgusting shot
gets me every time.
The indisputably real facial expressions on these women
tell me that nobody's faking anything:
These are real live hairy ladies shaving their fuzz for the camera.
Nasty nasty nasty.
The Finishing
Touch people
were considerate enough to include this ad in its entirety on
their website, http://www.finishingtouchtrimmer.com . Enjoy!
Never before have I been so astounded
and disgusted by such a large-scale ad campaign.
The latest commercial for McDonald's
new white meat Chicken McNuggets
involves a young couple sitting in a booth at a clean, modern
McDonald's.
As the young woman begins to eat the McNuggets,
she tunes out her boyfriend, losing herself in the experience
of eating a McNugget actually made from a recognizable body part.
As the boyfriend inaudibly chatters
on, the girl thinks to herself,
"Hmmm, New Chicken McNuggets made with white meat,"
as if noticing this exciting change for the first time.
The young woman's eyes wander,
scanning the surprisingly classy McDonald's, perhaps in search
of new meat.
She thinks, "The old wasn't bad, but now something better
has come along."
And as if in answer to her silent prayer, a new guy walks into
McDonald's,
making cosmic eye contact with her over her chatty boyfriend's
shoulder.
The young woman is pleased, her boyfriend blissfully unaware
that she has chosen to move on, perhaps with a new man she knows
nothing about.
My mouth hung open as I pondered
the audacity of this ad.
Likening new Chicken McNuggets to dumping your significant other?
What's the message? That there's always something better out
there?
Perhaps McFatty's would like us all to leave our spouses in search
of improvement.
If McDonald's really wanted us
to abandon the familiar in search of better things,
they would encourage us to start eating somewhere else.
In seven years, I've tried my
best to avoid writing about regional commercials on the site.
About these ads, however, I can no longer keep quiet.
Smart & Final is a warehouse
grocery chain with locations in Arizona, California, Florida,
Nevada, Idaho, Oregon and Washington.
Their ads (which run incessantly
in the morning here in LA)
feature this rotten kid wearing a chef hat.
First off, dressing a kid as a grown-up is something advertisers
think is cute, but is in fact, NOT.
Second, the kid gives me the fuckin creeps.
He has this wide fish mouth full of all these tiny tiny teeth
like some kind of goblin.
Third, the kid can't talk. Hello. Spokesperson. Speech.
You would think the two go hand in hand.
They always have the kid say
two to five words,
which he totally mutilates. "Final" becomes "Fine-all".
It all goes back to the Mazda "Zoom Zoom" kid.
It's like, give a kid two words to say and he fucks both of them
up.
Watching this kid attempt to wrap his monster mouth around phrases
like "Get smart!" and "Better hurry" is more
than I can take in the morning.
Next Smart & Final ad I see,
I don't want to see this kid.
I just want to see the chef's hat, charred and smoking.
That would be smart and final.
Yeah, and what do you think we
all did while it was gone? We found something better.
Why the hell would we want Napster back?
I think anyone who used Napster "back in the day"
remembers that it stopped working.
This is like Ford calling a new car the Pinto.
Who do these people think they're fooling?
Napster isn't back, only the Napster name is back.
It has been a long time since
I ragged on (har, har, har)
an ad for a feminine product, but this one just isn't going away.
Every morning I've been seeing
this commercial for a menopause treatment called Femring. The
ad describes symptoms of menopause while it shows ladies jogging
and getting into hot tubs.
The word "vaginal" is spoken four times in this ad,
and it appears on the screen another three times. That's SEVEN
"vaginals" during my breakfast.
The ad says you shouldn't use
femring if you have irregular vaginal bleeding or blood
clots. Then the ad goes on to say that a side effect of Femring
is irregular vaginal bleeding.
I am so lucky I'm not a guy who puts ketchup on his eggs.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing
about the ad is that it says Femring is not a pill, a patch,
or a cream. Now I am left with my imagination to figure out what
the hell it might be. If it's not a pill, a patch, or a cream,
what does that leave? I'm left to conclude it's something
that must be inserted.
I imagine countless avocado and tomato omelettes being tossed
in the trash.
This summer I was severly disturbed
by a commercial for a foot fungus medicine called Lamisil. The
commercial features an evil animated foot fungus. He stands in
front of a big toe, explaining that all he wants to do is to
get into your nail bed.
He then RIPS the TOENAIL OFF
of the toe. I was in bed when I saw this. I screamed like a woman
and clutched the covers right off the bed.
Prying a toenail off of a big toe is NOT something nice people
show on television. God DAMN this is some freaky shit. I just
looked at the picture myself and I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Who would show this to innocent people?
Chevy Chase is in a supermarket
when he is spotted by these two ladies.
Two ladies who are grocery
shopping together.
Because that happens.
One lady says "Oooh, look,
it's that guy who falls!"
Okay first of all it is NOT 1976.
In 1976, Chevy was "the guy who falls".
Now he's just "Chevy Chase,
the old comedian with the scary makeup and the bad haircolor
job".
Chevy says he doesn't do the
pratfalls anymore because "he doesn't have that insurance,"
yet he sure knows an awful lot about it. So why doesn't he have
it?
This ad is revolting. Chevy used
to make me laugh.
Now he makes me cry. Sad, sad, tears.
I would like to extend
a hearty "fuck you" to the makers
of the Casual Male Big & Tall catalog.
Their new ad says: "When you're big and tall,
it's hard to find clothes
that give you the freedom to enjoy life."
Let me tell you something.
I am five foot six and a half.
I can't see at a fucking football game
because whenever something exciting happens
everybody stands up.
I don't think big tall guys have any trouble enjoying life.
Ask any woman what she wants in a man,
and if she doesn't say "tall"
you should check her for an adam's apple.
This doesn't look to me like a guy who should be kept away from
rope and sharp objects.
This guy isn't missing the freedom to enjoy life,
and I don't feel the least bit sorry for him
if he can't find a necktie.
You would think because the
cable comany takes so goddamn much of my money,
that they would be able to pay for better commercials.
This first commercial is like a political ad against digital
satellite systems,
and features different bad actors
pretending to be satellite customers
ranting about all the extra charges.
The capstone in this monument to bad advertising
is four people talking at the same time saying
"Nickel and dime, nickel and dime, nickel and dime."
These four people are not even remotely almost in unison.
Charter adds insult to irritation with a second ad
featuring an 11 year old boy talking about
how great it is to have the Charter Pipeline cable modem.
It's in his bedroom.
Which means there's a planet full of pedophiles
waiting to buddy chat with his young Filipino ass.
Forgetting the irresponsibility of the whole thing,
what stands out the most about this ad
is that it's completely out of sync! Every time!
I pay 45 dollars a month for basic cable and this is the best
they can pay for?
My current loathesome commercial
is still any ad for a chocolate bar
where they show this "naked" candy bar penis
plunging into a wet chocolate vagina.
It's so disturbing I can't even tell you.
What kind of a fucked-up thing
is that to say?
EVERY kiss has to stem from jewelery?
Like, your wife will NEVER kiss you unless you give her diamonds.
Like God forbid she should touch you without adequate compensation.
Maybe if you give her TWO diamonds,
she'll have sex with you.
Note: Will you people
PLEASE stop sending me e-mails that say
"Don't you get it? It's a play on words! The word kiss begins
with the letter K!"
Of course I fucking get it.
This is a humor website.
What I can't believe is that you actually think you're the first
person
in 4 years to call this to my attention. There's like 26 of you.
You know who you are.
Mazda - Zoom Zoom
Zoom
Can we stop with the Zoom Zoom
already?
I still don't have a clue why Mazda
thought this was a good idea.
And what the FUCK is up with
the stupid kid?
They hired a kid to say one word - twice: "Zoom"
And what does he come out with? "Zum zum."
I still don't know what's going
on
with Little Mr. Zum Zum's goofy suit.
Is he supposed to be an Amish kid?
Amish aren't supposed to play
with things that go zoom zoom.
Am I supposed to be impressed?
"My two great-grandfathers, Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone
used to go on annual camping trips with Thomas Edison, and The
President of the United States, the Queen of England, and Jesus
Christ.
They called themselves the Vagabonds,
and they invented the internet."
For the third time in a row,
we see these commercials
for the CapitalOne credit card with "competing spouses."
The husband is freaking out about their credit card woes,
and this is when the wife nonchalantly informs the husband
that they have switched to the CapitalOne card.
This is when she just happens to mention that she
took their joint credit account and switched it to another card.
I'd be like "When the fuck did we discuss this?"
In this latest commercial, the guy is reading the STATEMENT
from the credit card and going bananas over all the fees,
which fly out in the form of little goblins. He's going- "All
these FEES! Oh, Christ! One rate for PURCHASES,
a higher rate for cash ADVANCES, and those TELEMARKETERS!"
Since when are telemarketers mentioned on your credit card statement?
This is when the wife appears and is like,
"Oh, honey, don't worry, we switched to the CapitalOne card."
Does she think they don't have to pay off the other credit card
now?
Or did she have the balance transferred?
And if she did, was she just gonna let her husband PAY the other
bill,
and then tell him about (what they call in German, DER SVITCH!)
I can just hear the new voice-over:
CapitalOne, the card for men with ABSOLUTELY NO BALLS.
All these Visa commercials
are supposed to show you
what a hassle it is to pay with anything other than Visa.
This is so stupid!
I've never been anywhere that "wouldn't take a check",
and I've never been asked to show more than my driver's license!
And:
Often when I use my Visa Check card,
I have to show my ID anyway!
This commercial with the pet
store-
where the guy says "I have to phone this in,"
(!!!)
and "This doesn't look like you" - is infuriating!
I mean, what's the fucking problem?
Using a Visa Check card,
showing your ID and
signing the receipt or
punching in your PIN
takes just as much time
as writing a check.
And you still have to show your ID and WHO THE FUCK
leaves the house without their ID anyway?
You Visa people SUCK
and you continue to annoy me through the years.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!
How these Visa people keep
annoying me is mind-boggling.
This is one of my "mute-button all-stars,"
the commercial with the guy and his girlfriend in the tattoo
parlor.
We hear the sounds of "Donna" by Richie Vallens,
who is conveniently unavailable to complain.
The girl says "Are you sure you want to do this?" And
then we see the guy.
And he's nasty looking!
The ugly guy says "I want everyone to know who I love."
Then we come to the pivotal "I ran out of money"
part of the Typical Visa Commercial.
The ugly guy pulls out a wad of bills and
WITHOUT COUNTING IT announces that he only has 41 dollars.
Then we see the guy chasing his girlfriend down the sidewalk
yelling
"I'll get it fixed...DONNA." What an actor! A real
class act. Anyway.
So then the music changes to "Oh, Don..."
And this ugly guy looks at the camera and mumbles "Very
funny."
I watched this thing eight times before I realized he was talking
about the music.
Like he could hear it.
Damn that commercial makes me pissed off.
This is the slogan:
The wireless company that believes in the value of self expression.
Read it again:
The wireless company that believes in the value of self expression.
What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything!
What does it matter what my
phone company believes?
They send me a bill and I pay it and I talk on the phone!
They have this ad that shows
little speech balloons
with little sound bites of speeches and literature and pop culture,
NONE OF WHICH HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHONE.
Another ad shows a guy furiously playing a guitar.
Something you can't do on a cell phone.
Yet another ad shows football players in a ballet school.
Again, phone. Not involved.
All to go along with this "self-expression"
theme these people are drilling into you.
So what if they value my self-expression?
Does that mean instead of a check I can send them a rat turd?
That's self expression, right?
This is just another old company
that has changed their name
to a meaningless made-up word, so that the public percieves them
as a young, hip company run by fire-eaters and tattoo artists.
It pisses me off!
Olive Garden will not stop
with these commercials
where real Italian families eat at the Olive Garden!
Can you imagine the complaints they would get
from people who are used to real Italian food?
In one commercial, a guy brings his cousin from Italy
to eat at the Olive Garden.
Americanized chain restaurant food.
I hope the chef had a bulletproof vest.
