Jimbo wrote: Bad boys, bad boys Wha'cha gonna do? Wha'cha gonna do? Wha'cha gonna do when they cum for you?

No you din't!

This headline had to have been phrased like this on purpose...

Did Something Massive Smash Into Uranus? (link)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me please?

Thanks,

Joe

——————————————————–

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Jewelry 2.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

...someone else I ran into some time back - and will next week as I was just informed he is coming to play at a local beer joint...

Brett Kavanaugh strikes again!!!!!!

Sex assault eyed after turtle is discovered in woman’s vagina (link) The British expat who had a dead baby turtle inside her vagina may have been a victim of a sexual assault, police said. The 26-year-old woman, who lives on Tenerife in the Canary Islands, had no idea a Chinese three-keeled pond turtle was lodged inside her when she showed up at El Mojon hospital in Arona complaining of abdominal pain, Spanish outlet El PaÍs reported. When doctors discovered the dead pet turtle — which caused a “serious infection” in her genitals — they called police last Saturday afternoon, fearing she had been abused, ABC reported. The unnamed woman told local police she was out partying with a group of British pals Thursday night in the area of Fañabé beach a few days earlier, but doesn’t remember what happened that night, according to El Pais. She then started feeling sick over the next few days before going to the hospital. The woman insisted she did not want authorities to pursue the strange incident further, and police have halted their investigation pending new information. “We are not actively investigating this matter because the woman declined to give a statement,” a police source told The Sun. Though initial reports said the reptile was a tortoise, researchers confirmed is was a freshwater Chinese pond turtle, which are sold worldwide in pet stores and can reach up to 12 inches in length, El Pais reported. Researchers at first believed the creature was a loggerhead sea turtle because they are indigenous to the Canary Islands archipelago.

Jimbo wrote: Brett Kavanaugh strikes again!!!!!! Sex assault eyed after turtle is discovered in woman’s vagina (link) The British expat who had a dead baby turtle inside her vagina may have been a victim of a sexual assault, police said. The 26-year-old woman, who lives on Tenerife in the Canary Islands, had no idea a Chinese three-keeled pond turtle was lodged inside her when she showed up at El Mojon hospital in Arona complaining of abdominal pain, Spanish outlet El PaÍs reported. When doctors discovered the dead pet turtle — which caused a “serious infection” in her genitals — they called police last Saturday afternoon, fearing she had been abused, ABC reported. The unnamed woman told local police she was out partying with a group of British pals Thursday night in the area of Fañabé beach a few days earlier, but doesn’t remember what happened that night, according to El Pais. She then started feeling sick over the next few days before going to the hospital. The woman insisted she did not want authorities to pursue the strange incident further, and police have halted their investigation pending new information. “We are not actively investigating this matter because the woman declined to give a statement,” a police source told The Sun. Though initial reports said the reptile was a tortoise, researchers confirmed is was a freshwater Chinese pond turtle, which are sold worldwide in pet stores and can reach up to 12 inches in length, El Pais reported. Researchers at first believed the creature was a loggerhead sea turtle because they are indigenous to the Canary Islands archipelago.

aka ron wrote: I think she got MITCHED!!

Getting Mitched is a bitch!!!!

I love those crossover cartoon parodies.

^^^

Looks like he forgot to dab off with a Kleenex after he finished "whacking his carrot".